A Purpose

It's been a month-ish since I last posted here. I wish it was because I got better. I just kept getting distracted whenever I wanted to post something. I did get better, not by much, but I guess it is something anyway. I booked a session with a therapist to try and help myself, it'll be my first time with a therapist, hopefully it has an effect on me. I really hope it does. I can't wait for the session this Friday. 

Why I am writing this blog is I haven't really found much to live for - I'm searching for a purpose that would make me want to live for longer. Everything in this world feels so temporary, nothing ever stays permanently. This is not just about the stuff that you are able to own in this world, but also the people. I grew up moving schools a lot, and this was during the days where social media wasn't much of a big thing, so I easily lost contact with people as I moved around. Good thing is that I do have a lot of my classmates in previous schools on social media now, but as time goes by, there's just not much to talk about anymore. I guess timing really matters here? It's a personal relationship thing, anyway. Recently, I've also been more scared of sharing my own opinions and experiences, etc. with other people, despite knowing that we're probably close. This happens all the time, and I don't know why I always keep lowering down my walls anyway even when I know all I do is get hurt when I say something. I think I should be more introverted and just not say much, you won't be hated on or attacked when you say something right? Maybe some extrovert out there will decide to adopt me like how I used to "adopt" my introverted friends. But, it's a free world, when you have the choice to say anything you want, they also have the choice to feel anything they want, so, I don't really know anymore. Staying alone and keeping to yourself is definitely the best choice you can do, but only if you're able to deal with the loneliness that comes with it. It's what I booked the therapist for, by the way. It's all related to my usual issues, but just a little more stuff added onto it too. I really want more friends.. and I really want to share more about myself, but as I live on, it seems to be getting harder and harder because I don't want to be hurt either, but meeting new people always has that risk.. I just want to laugh more, but I don't want the relationship to be so shallow that it just ends at comedy and normal banter and short talk. I would like a deeper connection with people, something I never had, but it's too scary, I don't want to hurt them and I don't want to be hurt by the normal interactions that people would have with each other? It's a common saying and belief that getting into (valid reasons) fights and arguments would strenghten the bond of people, but I don't even want to get there. 

Living longer is something that a lot of people would want to do because they are afraid of not being able to do everything that they wanted to do while they are still alive, but I somehow just don't really have anything that I want to do. There are things that make me happy, there are things that I like to do - I would love to travel more, I would love to have my own house and finally be able to buy all the different cars that I want, but I guess maybe because we all know the state of the economy and the world now, these dreams are more likely not something that will ever be achieved in the lifetime of a lot of youngsters. It just doesn't make sense anymore, most of us are trying to just make our ends meet and live from paycheck to paycheck. This is not really an issue I have thankfully, I just honestly don't know what to be excited about anymore. I do get excited and happy sometimes when my favourite food, games, colours are mentioned, but anything in the long term? Not really. I've travelled to see a lot of the countries, there are some left on my list but honestly I wouldn't mind going around China and Japan for the rest of my life. From where I am, the tickets are still pretty affordable, so it's not really a hard goal to achieve. I could just go tomorrow if I wanted to, but somehow it doesn't keep me going. 

I've found more people to play my favourite game with. This is the good news. I haven't played with the both of them yet because of connection issues and one of them literally just got the game, and he said he's still trying to get used to the mechanics, aiming and he has yet to create his own account. He will let me know once he does. Maybe I will feel happier then. I finally will have two other people to share my favourite thing with, though I feel sorry that they got the game just because of me. 

I heard from someone's story that one time he had to break up with a girl because she refused to live in the present and in the truth, he told her that all her "friends" are really just friends with her because they felt bad for her, and I really want to know if that is also the case for me. I wouldn't be surprised, and they did a good job being my friends. I just want to talk to someone all the time. But I guess employment and stuff makes people busy. I just really want to be distracted from these sorts of thoughts by being happy and by laughing a lot. It's a very hard goal to achieve, despite it sounding simple. Finding friends and people that make you laugh is a really hard thing - did you know that these days most people are turning individualistic because of how the world is pushing people to not have the time or the headspace to care for anything else? There's also the trend of "keeping my peace" and not caring about other people trending on social media which has turned a lot of people my generation into exactly that, just living for themselves, and not for other people. Caring and loving your own self is something that is really good and encouraged, but to the point of being selfish and not caring for the wellbeing of others is not really that good. This is quite a bad comparison to what I want to say actually, not responding to me because of work and all that is valid. I'm just saying this because I noticed that trend in younger people as I'm typing this blog, and it's a bad trend for society overall. 

Conclusion is, it's better to just not exist at all. I don't want to die, I just never wanted to exist, I wouldn't have to go through a lot of this. If I die, that means that I might hurt someone when I do go, but if I never existed at all, then they would be spared the pain. I really hope someday that I will change my mind about all this and find something to really live for and to love with all my heart. I'm currently still on the journey to find what it is for me and what the world still has in store for me that I haven't seen yet. 

Seeing Project Hail Mary and learning more about the universe and galaxies that surround us at least made me feel like my problems are really small and we're just living in this pale blue dot when seen from outer space, so it made me feel better. However, if you were to scale it down to a normal human perspective, it's still quite a big problem to deal with.