sacrificial lamb

i feel as though it is only covered in blood that i can feel clean and hot and holy again. i am baptized through my shed. this doesnt usually feel like a detox, it just makes me less anxious to know whats inside of me. i feel the need to see that liquid again, maybe just once more. i feel like breaking sacred vows for a cause equally as sacred. who are humans if not curiosity and a search ofr betterment? i feel empty, hollow, clean on the inside but rolled in dirt on the outside. i cant see the bleach in my blood. i long to feel the bleach burn in my wounds again. to prove that whats inside is still pure. im tired of being so middle aged. i long to be pure and warm again. for someone to touch my skin and not recoil. am i so gross that i repell everyone? or am i so holy that i cant reach anyone? both two extremes on an evergrowing spectrum that only a too-quiet God could tell me.