having love for what you used to hate

i had this dream recently where i was close friends with a real person from my school. we were some of many people stuck in some sort of series of trials where we had to work together to solve puzzles or face death (from what i can remember).

i would never choose to speak to the person in question. i try not to hold grudges, but this is a special case, as i have genuine issues with what this person has done to others and the things they have tolerated. if there is any ordinary person that i have held genuine hatred for, it is them. this is especially because they're not dumb, and have been fully capable of being a better person for years.

but in that dream, in that moment, they were my friend. i thought about how it felt for quite a while after waking up. often, i wonder how people came to be themselves. for people in our generation there's no doubt the influence of peers, and even worse those peers being on social media. misguided internet access is probably responsible for a lot of shitty people. i read somewhere in a creative writing textbook that it's hard not to empathize with someone once you've heard their story. we all have our own stories and many of us probably rationalize ourselves through them, thinking we're good and such. but good isn't something you are, it's something you do.

i also once read somewhere that you only love jesus as much as the person you love the least. even if i'm not very religious, i think about that a lot, and how pointless it is to hold contempt for ordinary people. i honestly hope that the person i've talked about can live a happy life that genuinely impacts others. my greatest hope is that people like them grow into better individuals. but to the people they hurt, it wouldn't be the same. the harm they've done to others is a deep, etched pencil smudge that, no matter how hard you try to erase it, will always be there. it's a little unfortunate, what people can do to each other. but it makes sense that we avoid forgiveness sometimes; sometimes it's much more pleasant to be as far away from each other as possible.

my point is, i am trying to have love for everyone. what's love not good for, you know? i don't want to have hate in my heart, and i want to forgive. seeing someone as a friend feels like such a human thing, and even if it would only happen in a bizarre dream, i think it's a good thing. i understand what they've done is very wrong, and i don't think i could ever be their friend out of moral principle, but i don't have an active hatred towards them like i once did. we are all people, and we are all capable of doing good.