Guilt Will Kill Me Eventually

Recently I just entered a new stage of my life, going to a new school far away from both all my closest friends and my family. It isn't as bad as what I had expected, but my grades have been declining especially on physics which used to be my favourite subject. I mean I do still enjoy learning it, but I can't help but feel frustrated every time I get a grade below 90 because I used to be so good in that subject and I just can't accept that change.

Before I notice my sudden struggle in physics, I've joined the school's program that give opportunities for students who are good at a certain subject to learn more in dept about the subject they're good at. I overestimated my abilities and joined the program. During each classes I always feel terrible, dumb, and other negative feelings that slowly made me quit that program because I know I can't handle this constant hate for myself.

But when I did leave that program I can't help but feel guilty, as if I am disappointing my physics teacher. The sentence "Oh she knows this because she's in the physics program" that he had said before keeps on ringing every time I got a bad physics grade. My teacher expected me to be great at this, so why can't I do it? Why can't I pleased my own teacher? 

And if it's not enough I made my situation even more complicated by crying and being absolutely vulnerable to one of my school's bio teacher, when she asked what's wrong I told her I couldn't understand the material because my teacher rushed the materials so much. Now I'm scared that the teacher will tell my physics teacher, and I'll disappoint him even more.

Even though I've quit months ago, writing about this isn't easy as the guilt kept on feeling my brains with expectations that I can't fullfield.