i am pissed with myself, my major, and the professors.

i lost my confidence at school. well, i don't really have that CONFIDENCE like raising my hand up for me to talk, having the attitude to go in front and do all the public speaking stuff which my classmates effortlessly does.. what i mean is that i lost the confidence to just show up and do the bare minimum. now i cant even bother. in fact, i just dont care about it anymore at all.

if my pre-college to 1st semester self met my current 2nd sem self she'd be very disappointed and angry. i had high hopes and dreams and thought of every positive thing possible in my freshman journey. yes, i am still a freshman. i guess the freshman depression is real. truth is, i dont know when will i ever move on from high school. especially the last 2 years of my high school—one of the best times of my life. 

teachers can either break or make you, indeed. i hate how whenever i step foot in the campus i so long to be in ever since i was a child, my mind straight up goes to the time where my professor embarrassed me in front of my classmates and made me redo that presentation over and over. and because of that, i didn't even notice the number of absences i have made in the span of 2 months. every motivation i built brick by brick just collapsed in that moment. 

i didn't even let my parents know about this. but when they ask if i have classes or not, i just tell them that it will be held online. hell, my parents are already even talking about how grand they'd put a celebration for me when i graduate soon with flying colors (which made me bawl my eyes so hard later that night) because i cannot believe they've already put so much expectation in me knowing that i am just at the tip of the iceberg and i am still adjusting and figuring everything out. and i dont know how long i am going to hold on.

i hate this major. i didn't choose this all. but at the same time i got no other choices. because i don't have to pay tuition under this school, i just have to accept what major they'd give to me since i managed to pass the entrance exam. truth is the major i really wanted is in a private school with a fees including tuition ranges from 15 to 20 thousand. and with the fact that i am an eldest child that needs to practically think in order to help my parents lessen the finances, i had no other choice but to sacrifice. 

except the school though. it's my dream school. and it's already making rounds as one of the top universities in my country, which i feel really blessed to begin with. but i just wish they'd check the teachers too??? they just disregard students having problems with the professors clearly not doing their job well. they don't even teach in front of the class anymore because all they do is just hand us the entire topic, even research more about it, divide us by group and bam, next thing you know is you have to present it next class session.

fucking tired of the education system. tired of every single course i am in. tired of putting up a fake attitude for everyone to see. tired of trying to be enthusiastic in school but i am really not. i really need help, maybe counseling or something. but i dont even bother anymore because people like me would just be easily ignored.