2021: sink or swim

hey folks !

i've once again decided it was time to hop back on here and have a little moment where i reflect on my life. having gotten halfway into january, i've realised that i haven't taken a great deal of time to sit and process how 2021 impacted me.

it was, for sure, one of the most turbulent years of my life so far. even then, all the most intense parts happened from about august onwards. the first half of the year was relatively uneventful which was driving me up the wall because i have the misfortune of thriving in chaos. the main thing that happened in early 2021 was being taken off my old meds which, let me tell you, was a fucking experience and a half. thanks to that though, i spent the rest of the year learning to navigate pure, raw emotion for the first time ever. it's been so bizarre and intense.

august is when things started to pick up the pace - for better or for worse i'm unsure. i started going to gigs again (waterparks and idkhow) which was super fun. idkhow was an especially pivotal one for how the rest of the year played out. i bumped into my now boyfriend there, but i also stayed over at an old friend's house who i'll never be able to have a positive connection with ever again.

in september, i moved away from home to start university which hasn't been going super smoothly if i'm honest. i know i've got it handled, it's just been tremendously overwhelming. i partied way too hard, for way too long and it has definitely messed with my head and my health. however, i have met a lot of interesting people from that so yeah, every grey cloud and all that shit.

october was the start of the best thing that will arguably ever happen to me in my life - dating a man who actually understands and loves me. we went for coffee, he stayed at my place, he took me out to shows and hotels, and we've honestly been having the greatest time with each other. i know it sounds a bit strange to people on the outside but i don't think we'll ever be happier than we are with each other because even through the worst shit that the world throws at us, we never seem to crack. he's honestly a saint and i'll never, ever take his love for granted.

also, i got the chance to pick up the occasional hobby of fire spinning through new friends of mine in october. i've only been able to do it a couple of times given that the weather is absoltely dogshit in scotland right now but it has been fun when we have been able. on the topic of said friends, they have made me feel so welcome in their group and it's truly so lovely. i have a lot of love for those guys. plus, the guy i talk to most out of that group is a pretty good writer and a massive english lit nerd like me so we get to have our obnoxious literature conversations whenever we like since we live right next to each other.

the rest of the year was very much repetitive in the sense that i went through the cycle of hanging out with my boyfriend, trying to do work, partying constantly, with a seizure and a few mental breakdowns peppered in for good measure.

however, another first which i got to experience was my first hogmanay (new year's eve) with my own plans, away from my family. this also meant i got to have my first ever new year's kiss which was so sweet. i've never felt more wanted in my life.

overall, 2021 was a year of many firsts and i'm thankful for the experiences it has given me. i know it has also caused me a great deal of mental turmoil with life being so consistently hectic which i'm still navigating. with that being said, i have plenty of reasons to be hopeful for 2022. while i'm coming into this year with a metric shit ton of baggage, there is no time like the present to try and unpack it, and to learn and grow. i'm aware that is a painfully cliché perspective to hold, but it may very well be what gets me through.

2021 pushed me into the deep end, so i either have to sink or swim going into 2022.