i guess just lost

I hate living at home. I’m sick of putting up with all this whining all the time; it’s always the same thing over and over. Nobody forced you to have kids. Nobody told you to move to Switzerland. Your wife isn’t the problem—you are. You’re aggressive and so overwhelmed with two kids. I know for sure he hates the little one. I can feel it in my bones. I feel so powerless, like I’m drowning every day; this house is full of rage and it’s making me sick. So sick that sometimes at night I imagine slitting my throat or cutting my veins. But I’m a coward—I could never do that to myself. I want to burn my skin and smell the scent of my scorched skin. I want to drown myself, to feel the water seeping into my lungs until I lose consciousness and everything. I want to fall from a chair that chokes the life out of me. Sometimes I want more, and sometimes less, but it’s never enough. Not enough pain, not enough effort, not enough will.

Was I born just to be a burden to my family? I know they want me out of the house because I’m no use to them—or at least not the kind of use they want. I can feel it in my bones that I’ll be kicked out soon.

But unfortunately, you can never escape your DNA. Why don’t they understand that I’m not doing well... I haven’t answered anyone for three days, I’m isolating myself, I haven’t gone outside or gotten out of bed for three days—I’d rather not even eat or move. I want to be in an egg and never hatch. I’m so lonely, but at the same time, I don’t want anything to do with anyone.

I’m afraid I’ll push people away—like my sweet boyfriend and my friends—because of who I am.

xoxo