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Entering the Dark Descent to a Life I've Envisioned
꧁⎝ 𓆩༺( Descending below : 09 )༻𓆪 ⎠꧂
Song of the Blog: Roadriversky by Winslow House URL: Roadriversky
I haven't made a blog entry in quite sometime. My last entry was about a month ago according to date of my last entry. I guess I kinda forgot about this blog for a little bit. I think the gloomy weather and stress of school got to me a bit... also my social life in college too.
This past month has been okay. I don't know. I haven't gone through anything major or experienced anything saddening, but I guess I've been contemplating why I'm doing what I'm doing and whether or not I should be doing it. I'm also questioning if the people I met really like me or not as a person. I don't think I've done anything to hurt anyone, but I feel like I did and it has alienated me from them for the past few months.
I guess I noticed it this month(march) and I have this feeling that i'm not connecting as much as I should or was prior. I feel like they're distancing themselves from me, but I guess on top of that maybe I'm also thinking maybe it's not that they don't like me, but that I don't quite fit in with the crowd. I kind of noticed it from the beginning since I joined the program. I kind knew after a few weeks that I'm very much a different kind of person and I guess I have different values than they do. Like they all can connect about certain things, values and topics and sometimes I can, but every time I interject I guess I leave the room a bit silent. Could be just me introducing new things they aren't familiar with in conversation, but I just feel this heavy disconnect with them. I'm super poor at explaining it probably because I just can't pin point what it is. I don't know its just something that's bothering me lately. Its most likely nothing.
Recently I had a new professor come in to lecture my class on our upcoming animation assignment and he decided to go around and make everyone introduce yourself and why you decided to come to the school. Now, my problem is that I did not want to answer that question. I didn't mind introductions, but when he got to me and looked me in the eye " What drew you to animation and why did you come here?" For a second I froze not knowing what to say. In reality, I don't know why I love animation or why I chose to come to this school. Not knowing what to say I said "Because I wasn't good at anything else." Kinda regret saying that. I could feel everyone kind of questioning my answer and my professor a bit confused on how to respond. I wish I had lied, but god I would feel so guilty if I said hollow words on my love for the craft. Not to say I don't enjoy making things and the arts, but I guess I don't really know why I'm doing it. I could rant about when I started drawing at 12/13, but truthfully my professors response with a 'hmm...' made me really think about my answer and why I said it. The whole thing has stayed in my head till now and I'm still thinking about why I even chose to do animation in the first place.
It all kind of connects to my personal struggles with never being good at anything. I never excelled in anything academically, athletically or artistically. I'm not trying to pity myself because I know its true. I'm quite average and I guess that's something I haven't made amends with. Could be why I just never stuck around long enough to make a difference on some peoples lives or have life long friends or have people come to me for advice or help. I'm just not interesting enough for people to get invested in and honestly it explains a lot now that I'm looking back at my life and the things I've dealt with. It explains the weak friendships, never getting invited to anything, the desperation to cling onto a one sided relationship, and my loneliness.
I mean it's not like I want to be or I think I don't. I dont know. I think I just don't know what I want and therefore people don't know who I am as a person. The only thing I know I want is to be a kid again in my childhood home with my old kindergarden classmates and a time before my mother knew who I was going to be. Unfortunately that is never going to happen, not matter how many times I look at old photos and browse the same streetview on google maps in 2009. I hate that it's the only thing I know I want.
This entry is just going to be depressing if I keep going on so lemme switch the tone.
Other than some personal struggles that I've been dealing with, majority of the month was a lot of school and work. I want to share some of my progress, but also I want to save it for when its finished so the reveal is so much more exciting so I think i'll do that.
School has alright other than the stuff I mentioned above. I'm trying to not let the repetitiveness get to me or the bore of having to stay after classes to work. I was supposed to work on the weekends, but I find it hard showing up on weekends as I'd prefer to stay at home and not commute 45 minutes. I have the really get a license for the program were using and a working tablet so I can work from home. It's frustrating knowing if I want to access something I have to go to school to do it. I'll try and convince my mother to get me a tablet for home, but we'll see. I would buy one with my money, but I'm broke so I don't have much to spend a drawing tablet.
One good thing that happened is I saw my friend I think last week or 2 ago. Honeslty it was just really nice going with her to walk around and talk. I like that about her, everything is really calm and relaxing when I'm around her. She's just really sweet to be around and she makes the world feel a little less chaotic despite herself being a bit messy at times. It was a fun afternoon spent that day. We checked out some vintage shops and didn't buy anything obviously. Then we headed to a record store we hadn't gone to since last year and we got quite lucky that day. She found 2 cds she liked and I found 2 I liked as well. I got magdalena bay cd and minecraft volume beta cd. Couldn't say I was any happier to have come across something so amazing. After we got sushi for dinner and that was the end of the day. It's nice seeing her every once and a while, I feel like she's the only friend I can hangout with like that and just have a good time. I really appreciate her for that and I'm happy she stuck around. Sometimes I feel like I nag her a bit to hangout, but I assume she doesn't mind considering she's told me its been hard for her to meet people and hangout so I guess that means we're in the same boat. At least we have each other and honestly that's all I really need. I hope me and her stay friends for a long time, she's probably the only person I feel I could call a true friend because of that.
Well that's a happier end for this entry then what it could've ended up as.
I think I need to really do some self reflection this month and let the sun in.
I'm glad I got to finally doing this entry after putting it off for so long.
I think the greyness made me a bit gloomy. Now that the sun is finally starting to come out and the weather isn't chilly, I think I'll make it through this season.
The sun will always shine once again.
That'll be enough to keep me going.
TTYL
S.S
my 18th birthday pic of me and my best friend:)
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