i dont fw diaries

i dont have spacehey saved on this phone so ill type ts here.
But those years are over. It gives me mixed feelings, the past and the present tugging at my sides, making me pick which direction to turn to. The past clings to me like the tar and mucus on my lungs. Guilt snakes it's slithery serpentine chains around my neck. The "what ifs" plagues me constantly.
Meanwhile the future is a bright light beckoning me to run towards it and be blinded by fickle, blurry images of a future i could be in. Yet the sheerness and transparency of it all is but a way to test my willingness and belief.
My present is fickle. Driven by my hedonism and desire that eats my innards inside out. I'm 19, nothing but time and consequences are my enemy. Wants and needs battle in my empty mind everytime nicotine is not around.
Now can you still look at me straight in the face and tell me that what I'm feeling is a fleeting normal occurrence that everyone commonly experiences? Pretty please with a flying kiss as my parting gift?
No? Damn tough crowd tonight.
Always ready to go and leave everything behind. A quick journey through memory lane a reminder that throughout the yeas that I've lived is a constant state of getting to hold it and having to part with it. The "It" a mixed array of people and things that pieces of himself can be seen. Did you even know I go by any pronouns? You'd know it if you've taken time to hang out with me. You'll see that my openness is a result of not getting my way even though I can reach and grasp it albeit clumsily but I can feel that it is tangible and real.
But those years are over and I won't worry over it. I can accept anything that life throws at me.I'm fine in not getting anything as long as I've had the time to experience it.
This is so perversive. I've sat with the uncomfortable long enough to be okay with it.
FUCK "IT" AND I DONT MEAN THE CLOWN FROM DERRY TOWN.