My school crush: when even I don’t love myself...

I think I have a crush on someone.

He’s about 10 cm taller than me, and there’s something quietly cute about him. I see him almost every morning in the school library. He comes across as mature, focused, and calm.

We’ve never really had a proper conversation. The only time we interacted was when he found the planner I left behind, and I gave him some chocolate to thank him. He doesn’t use Insta either, so there’s no easy way to approach him.

Every morning, he sits two seats away from me, with an empty chair in between.

Sometimes I feel this urge to look up and glance at him, but I stop myself. It feels like it would be obvious.

I’ve thought about stopping him when he leaves the library and saying something. But that would probably come off as strange, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable—especially since he’s younger than me.

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I looked better—clearer skin, bigger eyes, a slimmer figure. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so stuck like this, unable to say a single word.

Or maybe it’s not about that at all. Maybe it’s just me.

I don’t really know what I’m doing. At a time when even 24 hours a day doesn’t feel like enough to study, I hate that my mind keeps drifting like this. I hate that I can’t seem to be more focused, more in control.

On the days I go to the library, I wake up early. I put on makeup, spray some perfume, and try to look put-together.

But in the end, I always leave without saying a single word.

I just want to crumple these feelings up and throw them away.

I know there’s a good chance he doesn’t even notice me.

I want to end this before it hurts any more than it already does.