poem - "still a girl"

tw for mentions of self-harm and internalized transphobia

the first time we met, i felt like the greatest weight had been taken off my shoulders.

your gentle smile and bright eyes welcomed me softly into pain, pain, pain.

the fire between us burns in solitary, cased only in my heart, not yours.

you made pain feel good, your fingers indented with nylon as they trace the seams and stretches of my skin. 

i am cold and you make me warm. 

you warm me inside me and remind me that intimacy feels good, it feels good, it feels so good.

i loved you the second i met you. i've loved you through liking others. 

i am cursed, cursed to be alone as i am not the object of your desires. 

i find myself thinking, if i tried hard enough to be a girl, would you want me to be your girl?

i love you.

i love you now, i love you always. 

i love you like the songs that leave my lips and the chords my fingers play. 

i love the feeling of your heart beating in your chest, pained with the reality that it will never beat for me. 

i love you and i cry.

i love you and i cut myself.

i love you and i scream.

i love you and i hate you.

i hate you and i miss you.

maybe if i was still a girl.

written may 23rd, 2024