.☘︎ ݁˖diary entry 2: A real introduction .☘︎ ݁˖

It feels so soon for me to continue writing, but i don't know why i just felt the urge to do so. i don't think it is expected that i'm gonna be writing about these kind of stuffs right after just posting about my toys and dolls like....yesterday, but truly, at my core, i am not a bubbly or cheerful person at all. i guess my blogs are just going to be a mix of when i'm feeling excited, and also when i'm wiritng just to write (aka feeling a bit moody).

 also, maybe it is not recommended that you read my blog if you are really easily affected by others' mood, just for safety measure. 

talking about these stuff on a blog feel pretty weird, it makes me seems edgy in a way, like lol i'm so nihilistic schoolgirl absurdism follower life has no meaning, but truthfully, i do have all these thoughts and  i have only ever talk like this in letters that i send to my future self. maybe you guys should check out FutureMe, it is a pretty fun thing to do, like sending letters to your future and stuff, too bad they became money hungry and it was ruined, so because of capitalism we can't have shit.

recently, i talked to some of my friends about how i almost feel like i have no identity at all. it is a really odd concept. what make me "me"? i guess when people are asked to introduce themselves, they say like oh i like to do this and this, my hobby, what is important to me, my passion, stuffs like that. i kinda never knew what to say. like uhh, this is my name, and what more do you wanna know? most of the friends i know in real life and have known for a really long time actually don't even know my real legal name, and i originally was annoyed because none of them wanna try out spacehey with me, but now i'm glad they didn't join, or else i wouldn't be able to talk about these kind of stuff so freely. 

but back to what i talked about with my friends, i never really felt like i belong anywhere. and don't get me wrong, i'm just an ordinary person like everyone else, i go out with my friends, have different social circles, participate in club activities, have a decent relationship with my family and i do ok at school (whatever is count as normal), but i don't have any real hobby, passion or particularly interested in anything at all. 

ofcourseeeeeee on top of that i'm also aroace, i have never love anyone or wanted to pursue a relationship in my entire life. most of my "crushes" were just weird rush of limerince, and it was the kind of silent self awareness where, in the back of my head, i always knew that i would realistically never wanted to get with them, or would just reject and avoid them if they were to make a move on me. i was laughing talking to my friends about that over dinner, like damn, i really don't like anything, and in return they told me maybe i'm the only one that couldn't see it, but i actually had really distinguished traits and personality in their minds. good thing, i must say.

uhhhh. i guess there are some stuff that i do enjoy, still. "killing stalking" by koogi is undoubtingly my all time favourite. i'm not sure if it was just that i read it at such a young age (in elementary school), but the story genuinely changed the trajetory of my life in a way lol. i doubt my age was the reason, since i read it again like once in a while and cry almost every single time. it is just such a comforting thing, i like that nice contrast they got between depictions of absolute horrors and violence, versus the twisted dynamic that the two main characters got going on through out the entire story. lately there are also a lot of discourses about whatever is going on in fiction and whether it affect real life, i feel like we just overall need to keep stuffs that aren't meant for children away from them and consume media accordingly to what we feel like is suitable. also, i would love to recommend killing stalking as it has such good story telling and did a good job touching on multiple topics that are still seen as taboo nowadays, with very realistic approach, no weird glorification or romanticisation at all, which is truly ahead of its time and still remain one of the classic until now, though some of the immature fans annoy me a lot. 

i'm also not a religious person. my grandparents are Buddhists, but other than that my family is mostly loose on those kind of things. there are some kind of paranormal shits that has been linked to my dad side of the family for generations though, like how i used to have a mimic, which on multiple occasions were trying to fool my younger cousin into thinking it was me, or that my dad were really prone to being posessed and was the medium in a bunch of events, pretty odd stuff. i might talk about it more the other day.  

overall i feel like my life is pretty normal. sometimes i only realize how insane shits sound when i start talking about it, and then it seems like i'm just making stuffs up, but oh well, take it as you wish. this is just an introduction i wanted to write so i could make it clear what kind of person i am for future references, that's all.

i know how to read tarot,,,,,a little bit. my favourite card is queen of wands, it is just such an interesting royal card, and i relate to the queen a lot, in my opinion. from what i said before, about my background, it was kinda an inevitably thing that i would eventually get into more spiritual stuff, and my parents mostly just thought i was going through one of those impulsive phases when i get insanely obsessed over something before stop caring about it after 3 days, so they also didn't say much. in fact, my mom was the one buying me my first tarot deck lol, too bad until now she still hasn't got a reading from me.

i enjoy reading too, though not as much as i was before. my favourite author is Higashino Keigo, and my favourite novel ever, "Journey under the midnight sun" was able to make it to the book section on my profile. another rec i must say? If you love thriller and detective stories where using brain is needed to make connections to understand everything that's truly going on, you will have a field day with that book. it starts with a married business man who was found murdered in an abandoned building, and the main suspect is a single mom who seems to have an affair with him. though the intial crime was not solved, the story follows the victim's son and the suspect's daughter through out different courses of their life, from when they were in elementary schools up to when they are in their 30s, and if you look close enough, eventhough those two never actually met once during the course of the entire story, there is a weird entanglement btween them, a vague presence that tie them together. it is a very good read, i'm sure the story is much better than i could describe it. 

i guess this blog has went on for long enough, but i really enjoy writing about these kind of stuff. maybe next time i will do a proper movie review blog too. if you have any rec that you want to share, no matter music, movie, show or book, feel free to give one. 

mio out (๑>؂•̀๑)