2026年 4月 4日

I woke up today at 4:00 and was sweating throughout my sleep. I had a dream about a random older white girl who was fucking around with the guy I was seeing in the dream. I guess Jake influenced his character since he is who I was supposed to see today, but this specific guy had no identity, except for the fact that he was good-looking, tall, and had a large dick. And by large dick, I didn't see it, but the girl he used to fuck around with did. She lied that it was four inches, but it was actually eight inches. Homegirl ... I wasn't going to even sleep with him like that, but thanks for the statistics. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information. Anyways, I told her that if she missed him, she could come back to him. He fell asleep on me while we were cuddling, but I abandoned him in the middle of the night. He pissed me off! He kept blowing up my phone when he found that I wasn't next to him when he woke up. I never answered.

I left with the girl who used to fuck around with him. We were on the bus, and two guys came up to her (AND THEY WERE SO CUTE AND FINNNNNNNE). One guy introduced his cousin, who thought she was cute. However, she rejected him. I just looked outside the window because they didn't ask for mine (could've been a double date for real). And she was extremely pretty, and I didn't have my makeup on and dressed like a hobo when I left his place. The conversation between them continued. The cousin said that the girl reminded him of his ex-girlfriend, except that her body was not as disproportionate as the ex-girlfriend's. Crazy statement, nonetheless.

We got off at our stop. On the bus, we were going from our college campus to the city. Weird because it should take at least an hour or two, but we got there in a couple of minutes. The guys left with us, and they literally shifted from muscular, mouth-drooling bodies to skinny. What happened to those muscles??? I missed them already.

Anyway, the roads were under construction, and the sidewalks had so many potholes. Since it was raining pretty badly, the potholes started to overfill and become deep puddles. I only had my shoes while she had her rain boots. That's on me for not being prepared. We got to JINYA Ramen Bar, and she asked for hotpot. Except JINYA Ramen Bar never served hotpot in reality, but I guess there's always an exception (only in dreams, of course). But the girl changed from her to my friend's face (Violet). Must've been the fact that I realized last night I ever made plans with her after my Florida trip, and I felt guilty for forgetting about it. Vicky was very upset with me for not shaking the two guys off of her, and I was so perplexed.

I forgot how our conversation went, but it seems like it left a bad taste in her mouth, and I couldn't really advocate for myself. Somebody else joined our table, and we just ate in silence. Food was yummy-licious. I went to the bathroom and saw my face. Except, it wasn't my face. It was, but my nose was EXTREMELY flat. I was devastated. What happened to my cute nose? I started shaping it, and my cute nose came back to my face. Except, it still didn't look like me.

I'm starting to think that I have a bad case of maladaptive daydreaming, and it's affecting the quality of these dreams because tell me why I witnessed PSY shooting his new music video in the same restaurant we were in. BLACKPINK was there, and he was composing a new song. It's only a melody I heard of in a dream. Unfortunately, I do not remember, and I'm so fucking tone-deaf. His performance was spectacular, though. Then we watched Journey to the West, and that's when I realized Julie, Tina, and Jenny were in the same restaurant, and instead of Victoria and the random girl, they had been replaced by Joseph. I couldn't stay focused on the show because I was wondering why the Trio came in, and I felt left out (even though I had plans and I was with Joseph). They left, and I looked outside the window, and it was pitch dark. I told Joseph he needs to take me home because the clock keeps malfunctioning and going by an hour for every second I spent at the restaurant. We left when the clock turned 23:00. And right as I left the restaurant, I woke up with an extremely heavy heart. I still have an extremely heavy heart for unknown reasons. I decided to check the girl's location, and it seems like they're hanging out today. It is Talia's birthday.

I've been so nauseous recently. Last night, I wanted to vomit after eating dinner. I couldn't seem to get anything down, and it's not because of the fact that I'm seeing Jake today. It's due to some unknown underlying reason. Maybe it's because I can feel myself entering another episode of psychosis very soon. And I'm scared. Last season of psychosis, I was quietly tearing up in the library, having delusions that my friend group hated me and that I was being abandoned. It ended when I had a dream about two fine men (split personality, same guy) fighting over me with their motorcycles. Talk about a good time. Now, I'm entering another one. I feel like I shouldn't be down, but I am. I haven't been happy in a long time (if we're counting real-life occurrences). I've been happy after my dreams, yet I never seem to be happy after real-life events.

I feel like I'm being abandoned, except I'm not. I feel so far behind, and that everyone is going about their life, and I'm still stuck in 2023. Recently, I have been thinking about Dookie, and as much as I hate to admit it, it tears me up. Knowing that I fucked up (not all my fault though) and that I still can't seem to move on.

I'm also so fucking stupid. I drove over to Jake's city early in the morning, and I wished I had called him before I started my drive. I didn't hear anything from him before I left, even when I sent him a text message at 10:00, nor did I hear from him when I called him three times. It didn't send me straight to voicemail, so I'm not sure if I'm even blocked or not.

I asked JoJo if we could move our plans for tomorrow to today, since I had already dressed up and was outside. I got to his place at 14:30, and we headed out to H-Mart to grocery shop for food. We got a couple of things, and we also stopped by Walmart to grab ingredients for pasta. I cooked some pasta for him. It was not as good as the one I usually make at my house, since I had different equipment. I would've stayed a little bit longer at his house if I hadn't felt so sick. JoJo asked where I was going before I stopped by his place, and I was not ready to answer him honestly. I kept my answer as vague as possible, a possible attempt to save face and humiliation. By this evening, I accepted that I was ghosted.