Internalized homophobia , body image well just life in general

Internalized homophobia is really the worst . It wasn’t even the people’s judgement that was the hardest to endure but my criticism on myself . Back then , I used to carry that as a shameful secret . I used to cry at night , being so scared that people might found out my secret . You had no idea how stressed I was. When a subject about queerness would come up in the classroom , I used to look at the floor and try to not think at what other people were wondering . Then , it finally happened. My secret blew up in my face during gym class . My friend , who were really religious , were shocked and I was so scared to loose them . I come from a religious background , with parents that are not really pratiquants but still believe in god . What would them think of me ? Would they disown me ? But I love them . I don’t want to ever get away from them . But would they still love me ? I don’t know . Some of my friends were saying how I wasn’t a true Muslim and how I was shameful and how I was never gonna Mary anyone . They also said that I was gonna burn in hell . Back then , I was so scared . I didn’t want to burn for an eternity . But I can’t change who I love . It’s not my fault . I really tried to not love girls . I really did I swear. I used to think about how much pain I was going to suffer when I shall die . I don’t want to die . I don’t really believe in Islam really much . Than why am I so scared ? Why does it keeps me awake late at night ? No one will ever know how much I used to curse at myself , telling how disgusting and shameful I was . But what sin did I really do ? It wasn’t like I killed someone did I ? Why is it ok for a girl to like a guy but not for a girl to like a girl ? Why can’t I think that she’s pretty ? Girls just are way nicer than boys . All boys that I’ve encountered were either jerks or perverts . I used to want to die . I did attempt once . Taking my dad’s diabetes prescription. I did think of doing it again by jumping in the river next to my house . I did . I used to make a plan about how I will steal my lab ´s scalpel to slight my wrights and jump into the river in the forest next to my school . I was desperate. Desperate for anything . I was feeling so down . I used to always feel out of place . Like I didn’t belong there . People used to call me flat or treat me like I was some dumb clueless b#tch. I still don’t understand what I did wrong . I don’t think I will ever be enough for these people . Kinda reminds me about how I was always the weird kid that used to work with the teacher because she didn’t have anyone to partener up with . People used to make fake rumours about me but I was young . I didn’t understand anything until I was grown up . I used to be so desperate to have a best friend I was down to do anything . I used to let that one girl curse at me or I gave her my favorite toys and candies ( she asked for it ) just so that she will still be by my side . It never worked . She always choose someone before me. Body image issues came two years before I was a freshman in high school . Before high school , I used to think that I was fat . My parents , when I was younger , used to make me watch documentaries about fat people getting surgeries to cut by half their stomach . I was a chubby kid back then . I know thwy didnt have bad intentions. But the thought still stuck with me . At lunch , I used to take a few bits before throwing it all in the trash . I know , it was wasteful , but my mom started questioning me and the supervisors started to check if I ate or not . I lost weight . Then came high school . My friends used to call me flat as a joke . I didn’t think it was a joke . Every morning , I used to look at my chest and feel bad that it wasn’t as big as the other girls . I never used to look at my chest back then . It was only when people pointed that out that I started to care about it . I remember, a girl used to say that I needed a glow up and I needed to take care of my hair . Still angry about that . Sorry guys . Never really had someone to discuss about all of this so I’m kinda just dumping everything as I write . If you’re reading this , please , don’t be like my younger self . You’re not your appearance. You can like whoever you want and that’s ok . Queer people were always there even before organised religion were a thing . Don’t let people bring you down . If someone needs a hear to talk to , I’m always here .