Long time- Purple Lotus Flower

        I finally got back on here, I got my purple lotus flower in today. I have tea with it. I figure I need to train my mind more, maybe similarly to a monk. I just got a new desk and chair, it feels easier to want to journal or type, but I guess monks don't have those. I guess I don't have to do everything a monk does. But that's also a hindrance. Its not wrong to experience it, but what if I'm letting more things hinder me than I even realize? Could a desk and a chair be a hindrance? Could my reasoning for justifying using a desk and chair be hindering me more than simply writing on the floor? I don't know. I could be thinking about it too much.

         The way I figure it, I'll just make small steps. Change small things and steer my habits slowly in the ways of the monks and Brahmins. Nobody is perfect. They say the Buddha was perfect, and they say Jesus Christ was perfect, I believe they both walked the Earth and for whatever reason, made such lasting impact for the effort of good against evil that somehow billions of people today can agree that they love those people, and look to those people for guidance and calm and love even in their absences. Sometimes I wish I could have met who they truly were, what did they truly stand for? What aspects of their own modern respective religions would they shun and which parts would they continue to preach and stress? I think people would shun them still. History doesn't always repeat itself but it tends to rhyme. People are so full of ego. 

        I don't understand how so many people can be so without perspective. If someone rudely pushed past me in a doorway out of a store, this is what I would think. 

"Maybe they had to get out of here quick. Maybe they thought I was taking too long to walk out of the doorway, and they decided their time was more important. I hope they don't think I gave them a rude look somewhere in the store, but I wouldn't personally shove past them in retaliation, or really retaliate at all. I wonder why someone would care about a rude look. Someone made a face at me? I was told when I was a child that it was immature, and to quit it if I wanted my peers to take my problems seriously. I hope perhaps that they're not late for something, or in a serious rush because someone they know is hurt "

        I don't know. I definitely overthink it too much, I just hate the prospect of making a whole generalization about a person, whether I like them or not based on a simple interaction that there is no feasable way I could ever understand inside and out. Why make a judgement of a person based off only my perspective? When I am not them? I think there are a million reasons in that particular moment that person rushed past me with no regard. I think its only fair to consider that. At least. I would hope to be given the same benefit of the doubt, but I do not expect to be. I think it sounds overly emo to say its pointless to make expectations at all only to have them broken, but really, what is the benefit of expecting anything? What stands to gain from expectation? When we expect something, and we get that, all we get is a temporary click in our mind, that we were right and we got what we wanted. Don't you like things more when you didn't know it was on it's way to you? You'd never be upset if you didn't receive it either. Because you didn't know it. It's difficult to say as well why we would even be upset for having our expectation fallen short of. So, we accepted something as a fact without knowing the full perspective, and something outside of our known perspective caused something different to happen than what was decided on. It's not our decision. I want to be more mindful of the five hindrances, and do better to not act in response to them. But I know I am far from perfect. I will wait. 

April 3 20:01 Jupi