what happened to us

its honestly devastating no longer being close to a friend you’ve known for such a long time. in general i have a problem letting go, whether it be with people or objects. so when all this first unraveled i ignored a lot of indications that this friend might not be the greatest. today was just kind of the nail in the coffin, the clarification i needed i guess. they just consistently tend to ghost me when they find a partner, we stop talking as much and we don't end up hanging out anymore until the inevitable breakup happens. then here they are again wanting to hang out so bad. its tiring and its made me want to hurt myself too many times because i felt so replaceable. its not even like they do this with all their friends, its just me. they’ll hangout with everyone else but me. 

today after awhile of not speaking we went out to talk (not for long) and they told me everything that happened within the time period of us not hanging together. i really found it hard to care, again this is just part of the cycle. though i think they noticed my lack of concern. later i mentioned how it felt like they pushed me away because of their current boyfriend (or rather ex now) and it felt like they brushed it off, bringing up something else and saying how they were sorry it made me feel that way.

if i was still attached to them the way i used to be i think that phrase alone wouldve left me completely enraged for days. but right now im just insanely disappointed? sad idk, my heart hurts but atleast i dont want to hurt myself or others lol.