I cant help but wonder

I wonder who I could've been if my life had gone a different way, my mind is an endless library and all the stories start with what ifs

What if I had acted different, what if I had known better, what if I had been more careful, more controlled. I have a hard time controlling myself, but it wasnt always like this. 

When I was a kid, I remember I was way more carefree, never cared about what anyone thought of me, I remember feeling my emotions in the moments I was meant to feel them, in the dose I was meant to have. Somewhere along the way I lost that, I realised my emotions were too strong, too wild, that I was not normal like the other people, so I tried to hide it. 

For a while it worked, I'd leave my room, perform to be a person I'm not, come back and indulge myself in whatever way I needed, if I was sad I'd cry in the floor until I couldn't breath, I was angry I would scream at my pillow and throw things around, if I was happy I would start singing, dancing and jumping with no shame, because nobody was watching me, so I knew nobody would result hurt from my emotions.

Then I met you, and you asked me to do something strange, you asked me to be true, honest with myself, to share those emotions, those feelings I had been keeping a secret. It started small, with a few jokes, some weird things, I was testing the waters, seeing if this could truly be, if you were really the one. And it worked, it felt liberating, you became my new favorite person, my obsession, you were no longer human to me, you were a place, a place of comfort, a place of indulgance, everything I had been craving, needing, finally shared with someone who didnt pull away.

That was until you did. That's not fair to say, it was me who pulled away after all. I saw what I was causing, the little fights became arguments, the misunderstandings became a problem, it got to a point where we were both walking on eggshells to not hurt the other, my temple was ruined. I ruined it. But underneath it all you were still you, the person I became obsessed with, every little thing of you I needed to know, I loved you, I had to save you, so I pulled away.

You were everything I had ever wanted, all I needed to survive I was sure that without you I'd die, but the care I felt for you was stronger, so I let you go. I cannot trade your happiness for mine, you are not a place, you are not an object for my enjoyment and comfort you are real, and you deserve someone who wont break you like I did.

So now I'm back in square one, the performance is back, the lies are back, I feel even more broken than before, I spend more time in my room, more time asleep, I dont want to wake up, sleeping feels good, but for a while you would show up in my dreams too, and that made them nightmares, I needed to forget you and your face, your presence, your comfort, It was killing me. I deleted every trace of you that was left in my phone, and I still cant get you off my fucking head.

Now I've met more people, time has passed, they say they want me, but I cant fall for it again, I wont fall for it again. No matter how tempting, how good it feels when they hold me, when they love me, I cant fall for it again, if I truly care for these people I need to keep that barrier, I need to control myself, I need to control my emotions, I need to control my desire, I need them to only see me platonically.

I wonder if I would've been better if I had never met you. Or if what happened was inevitable, if it was going to happen regardless if I met you or not, if it wasnt you it would've been someone else. This is a lesson I could've live without, maybe I could've been happier with the fake routine I had before, now lying is even harder.

God this shit is so messed up

Wont somebody fix me

I just want to be taken away from society, where I cant be seen

Who could I have been if I had never started pretending