I don’t like myself

How come I always end up ruining myself on purpose? Every time I find something embarrassing I make sure to repeat it over and over in my head imagining as if it was happening in real life until I don’t get embarrassed by it anymore. Or when someone hurts me or makes me sad I gaslight myself into thinking I’m better than them and that it doesn’t matter but at the end of the day I’m alone in my room and think if I really AM better or just a loser. 

When I first started SH I felt like I was supposed to do it I didn’t know why, it wasn’t like I was influenced to do it I did it by choice, and I felt super confused. I never really felt pain when I did it and still don’t. Sure after like 2 days it would sting but then I just realize it doesn’t have to hurt and it stops. I don’t know what it is and I always reject any time of therapy and I hate my current therapist. I’ve never opened up to him he just leaves me some stupid homework to “help with concentration” and “controlling myself” like memory exercises of writing things down over and over until I memorize but the thing is I never really pay attention to it. It’s online therapy so I just lay on my bed and laugh in my brain at how stupid he is thinking im actually doing something or accepting the help he’s giving me. 

I understand therapy is so many people wish for but we have to understand I was forced into it and I even argued to not be dragged to it until my mom yelled at me I was messed up and stupid for not wanting it and I was signed to it. I never tell him anything when he asks how my day has been and lie my way out of it. Of course he’s not stupid so head noticed and he thinks I stopped but he’s wrong and I keep doing my own thing just more careful because I hate being told what to do specially if it’s someone I deeply dislike. I’m not insane of course and still nice to people just that when I don’t like someone I always make sure to let them know it. I mean who would rather think someone is their friend when it’s the complete opposite?

One time my parents caught saw my scars since I was testing the waters by doing it on my hand since I wanted to see if they truly care and remember that I did it. They cried and told me it was alright and I cried too thinking they’d really notice there was something up with me but the next day they completely forgot. I never forgot. Instead of telling them it hurt me I did it more to piss them off or maybe to see if they’d react. Recently, my brother found my blade and I was almost surprised he caught on. As expected he told my parents what he found since it was pretty bloody but my parents saw it only once not even fully and just put it to the side and just asked what it was and i told them it was a blade they just glared at me and kept it and they turned away to their phones which made me pissed.

My brother was skeptical but didn’t push on the subject, that made me realize no one cared. No one would care if I lived or died and I didn’t care either. I took the blade back and that night I cried and for the first time left an actual scar, I was dripping with blood and I was in awe. I didn’t feel pain and my blood even felt cold when I touched it wi tho my fingers, I wanted to leave more. I had a trip to the beach which was the perfect opportunity to the final test. My giant pink scar was there RIGHT there on my shoulder and none of them realized. I wore tank tops the whole trip and none of them saw. And after that I started leaving small signs. Small hints the the answer to the question when the answer was right in front of them.