Diary Entry 2: Songwriting, Aurora and Flying

I'm thinking about what it means to write music. I think I have it in me to do it, but it's drowned out by other things. I have dreams about songs that don't exist here but I can never remember them... It's like there's this higher version of myself that I can't reach yet. I'm looking through my heart's eye to find her. 

So how do you write music? I want to speak what feels true. In order to do that I have to know myself - I have to listen. 

I'm listening to Aurora right now. It's been a while since I've had the courage to play her music, especially when I'm alone at night. I used to get anxiety being alone with myself but these days it's my favorite thing in the whole world. I feel like a universe. 

Listening to Aurora's music makes me feel like I'm surrounded by stars. She is light and my heart flutters around her. So much of her music evokes visions of running and the feeling of sharp wind pummeling my face (my other favorite thing in the whole universe) the night smells sweet. I'm engulfed by darkness and passion and nothing can stop me from feeling like a fucking human. 

Then other songs, like A Potion For Love, remind me of those beautiful apartments in LA. I see golden rays through flowing curtains shining on honey wood floors. A small cobalt blue bottle glows on the windowsill. Another one, lavender and sun-stained, shines like abalone. Light dances in curling smoke from burning incense. A gold necklace hangs on the wall, and the blankets are cool to the touch. 

It would be an absolute dream to play her music loud in the forest at night with no humans around to witness. I want to play for the animals and trees. I want to hear howling wind branches rustling crickets chirping frogs croaking the forest is alive and we are sharing this experience as one. A few instruments and voices, it's all we'd need. We could be incredible. 

I can't remember why I loved watching birds fly as a kid, and I don't remember when that started. I think I was born with my love for flying. I hope that I come back as a bird after I die. 

A Different Kind of Human is the hardest song for me to listen to. I don't play it often, maybe a few times a year in special moments. I guess right now is a special moment. 

I think that's the song that did it for me. It's is why I want to meet her, why I'd give anything to go on a night walk with her, to talk and dance and sit in silence with her, to watch people to enjoy a meal to laugh to write with her. This feels special to me, but I know that it can't actually be about her and these thoughts must be a reflection of the most authentic parts of myself. My mom says that sometimes how you feel about others is what you feel for yourself. I can't possibly do any of these things with her and in order to keep my sanity I must instead channel this energy into being inspired. Hope hurts but I can be inspired. I've been using this dream as fuel to figure myself out. I'm fighting to keep the vital part of my soul alive. 

Visualizing my soul: Blood-orange passion streaks through bioluminescent skies. Gold fairy dust tickles my skin. There's a soft pink on the horizon. 

The first time my mom ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I said, "I want to be me." I'm trying so hard. I love myself a lot and I want to do my child soul justice. I have to let myself feel pain and yearning and despair. I have to let myself cry when the sun bleeds in a blushing sky. I have to care and I have to be kind. I feel that my purpose as a human is to experience as much magic as I possibly can. I have to prove that it's still here. It's everywhere on my night walks. The trees are covered in magic like pollen, it floats in the air and I hear it when the frogs and crickets sing. Aurora has it. 

Aurora's music demands too much of me sometimes. It demands that I emerge even when nothing else can coax me out of my cave. But I have to be somewhat disconnected to deal with my life most days and I end up avoiding her. That's no way to live, right? So I'm trying to figure something else out. I'm seeing now that it takes time... so much time, to get it right. I wonder if I'll ever feel like it's "right" if she's always a world away. I really hope so for my own peace... 

Her music is lovely but it's her that I connected with first. 6 years ago I found a video of her on Youtube, it was called "Aurora the INFP Fairy". I remember that when I had finished watching, I was physically stunned and tearing up. I didn't know who she was but I recognized something in her that I didn't think I would ever find. It's hard to put into words... recognition, kinship, relief, despair, elation, safety. Magic. I watched part 2 and went through the emotions all over again, and then I found out that she made music. She had recently released A Different Kind of Human (Step ll). I stopped everything I was doing (homework, bickering with my mom) to play both albums.

I am forever changed by her existence. Transformed, inspired, lighter on my feet and sharper in my ambition. She's right there next to my dream of flying.