deadlock

currently: stupidly fucking warm. it always is this time of year over here and it's really starting to get impossible, i chopped off my hair (badly) in an attempt to stave off the heat but it's no use, even just sitting in an airconned room has me feeling like a pig. 

it's an odd position to be in, admittedly. where i am now, that is. 22 years old with little actual life experience. not unusual in this day and age but it doesn't stop me from feeling like an outsider, from being acutely aware that this isn't the norm, hasn't been. if i were in another place, if i were anyone or anywhere else... 

i envy those who grew up in privileged households. i envy those in countries where the language they speak is the majority, the norm. those who can effortlessly blend into society. i envy people who have no difficulty just, getting up and deciding one day to do whatever it is they need to do. it must be quite easy. every day i will myself to move and every day i find myself in the same position: thinking, "i'll do that tomorrow". "i'll do that the next moment i have free". "it's bad timing, i'll ask again later". it feels as though the time never comes.

is that the secret? just doing things there, then, when you think to? maybe. i don't know. i don't know how to beat that mental block. maybe there isn't one there at all. maybe i'm just blocking myself. 

maybe i should just start. it's worth a shot, right?