Although I've been complaining a lot about my phone habits and my screen time I feel like I haven't given much updates or any positive info (typical Konan (•̀⤙•́) I'm working on it I swear).

So, Monday I spent about 3 or 4 hours on my phone. Not incredibely low to my stadards but a major progress. (Can't keep beating myself up all day ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) From that point I didn't feel the need to stay on my phone at ALL. Yesterday (tuesday) I had a very busy day, classes from 8 to 6 with a 3 hours break, good news is that for some reason my phone doesn't catch network at all, since I'm in europe I can't use the satellite thingy to catch it, but at least it firmly kept me away from my phone. 
I didn't feel the need to use my phone at all, during my three hours break I was very motivated to finish my homework because I feel like I've been drowning in it lately and it's very stress inducing. I spent a total of 4 hours 30 on my phone (apparently)

Thing is I got an interruption in my lil journey, which has made me feel incredibly demotivated and my body needed extra rest, i knew it and felt it, but the problem is my little interruption decided to show up mid class while our teachers decided to start ANOTHER PROJECT (≖_≖) (if you understood what I'm saying then... ok.) So not only was I demotivated but also in pain, so when I got back home I told myself I would rest before working. Got very slow at moving around, so by the time I told myself id work after resting, I had just started to rest. 


So I postponed it to today, spent the rest of the evening watching a critique of the fifth season of Emily in Paris although I've never watched that show (iykyk), and stayed on my phone (yes it was included in the total screen time i mentionned earlier) 

Spent so much time with it that I ended up staying past midnight, up to one in the morning actually (I know...) but told myself it was okay because I was supposed to start classes at 11am today so I could just sleep until 8 or 9am and get a full night of sleep.

🤡

(My mom ended up waking me up at 3:38 for an emergency. )

Anyway, today I had my lil hour of class, its 6pm and i spent 4 hours on my phone so far, including the hour from yesterday btw. 

However, there are a few things I wanna address,

first of all, I think iPhone's screen time tracking is beyond messed up for some reason, a lot of times I feel like I only stayed 3 hours and it says 4. I'm not completely oblivious when I stay on my phone, I still check the time, but when I go to check, there's this grey thing on my hourly stats of the day and I literally have no idea what it is. And it counts as screen time when I haven't even used my phone at that time or for that long. It used to do this for my friend, she has a screen time limit controlled by her parents, and this grey thing would take up all of her screen time and she didn't have access to her phone because of that for a full week. Very annoying

Not to mention, when i go see my time spent on each apps, it doesn't add up properly. I guess I can only assume my screen time based on my feeling and the time I'm told I spent because it's not completely broken either.

Second of all, school is draining the shit out of me. We've had a lot of tests, It's been stressing me out, but its been like that for the past few weeks. Lots of graded assignements, presentations, tests, and i had this one physics test monday, my teacher wasn't supposed to be there, so i hoped I had an extra week to study for it, ANOTHER TEACHER CANCELLED HER CLASS TO MAKE US PASS THE TEST. You read that right. 
I didn't understand a single thing of the chapter so I didn't remember much, I was very stressed out during the test because I didn't understand anything, plus I was very tense because my stomach wouldn't stop growling from digestion so I often had to shift in my seat to avoid it making noise in the middle of a loud SILENCE. Failed it spectacularly, pretty sure I'll get in the BEST POSSIBLY EVER case 25% of the points. 

I also had a math test, got around 75% of the points, could be worse but could definitely be better, not to mention my friend had the NERVE to say that to my face. "It's not catastrophic but you could've done much much better" yeah no shit? Like I'm not disapointed and stressed out enough, you just HAD to say that to my face literally as soon as i receive my test back and don't even have time to process how my average grade is literally crumbling down. 

For context, my friend has the emotional intelligence of a rock. She can be either mad or happy, at most crying but she barely knows if its from resentment she'd call madness or if she's actually sad. She has pretty strict parents with quite high expectations, her sister can easily meet them but she's been struggling to, which I guess often makes her feel inadequate even with grades everyone would dream to have. 

When her grade isn't as high as she wanted, she will literally get mad and sulk and 30 mins of complete silence later will start yelling and complaining about her parents' potential reaction. 

I know my mom isn't as strict as her parents, but the weight of expectations is just not on the same level, throw rocks at me i dont care. Her parents are teachers and her older sister is a smarty pants, of course she'd feel pressured. But my mom quite literally left her family, her partner, her wealth and pretty much gave up everything she had to move 13 hours away into a racist country on her own, WHILE PREGNANT with me, just to ensure me and my sister would get a proper education and be able to achieve things one day.

You often see people making humoristic videos talking about learning how to dress and put makeup because they couldn't be both ugly and stupid, and i wish I could do that. I know my mom doesn't give a flying fuck about whether I'm pretty or not. She didn't sacrifice so much just for me to bring her such poor grades with a pretty face and cool clothes SHE had to pay for and make tiktoks all day long and bring at most 3 bucks from a tiktok shop ad. 

Not to mention lately I've been pretty irritated and too exhausted to even be my usual expressive self, so if we ever meet up irl I will probbaly just listen to your ramblings and occasionally raise my eyebrows. I know it's annoying to my mom because I used to be the most hyper person with the loudest face humanly possible, now my expression range is just how high to I raise my eyebrows for people to decipher whether I'm surprised, annoyed, interested, and so on.

Either way, my mom is starting to get a pretty decent understanding on mental health, so I didn't wanna put up a front, told her right away about the tests, for the physics test she told me it was okay because it's not like I did it on purpose, as for the math test that it was okay as well because I could've done much worse and to always be grateful. Typing this is kinda making we wanna cry, because although I've been quite annoyed lately, she's probably the sole person who understands me and helps me the most. And even if i haven't been the best daughter she's still kind to me. I guess I did need that. 

Just the though of receiving my physics test back has my legs literally feel like jelly because I didn't really succeed the last physics test either, but although I spectacularly failed, I did have a geography test (on societies and economics kinda) that went fairly well.
65% of the total points were on class knowledge which I knew about and easily answered, as for the 35% left it was on our ability to write down a... an essay, I guess? Only the intro and conclusion though, we had bonus points if we added a sort of "headline" and a bonus point if we added an opening to a next subject, which I did, and although I've done all of that even if I didn't think it would go well, it did go pretty well and I need to think about it as well. 

I also had a literatture graded assignements which was expressive reading. Though our teacher who seems to have more pity upon us depressed students, gave us time to work on it in class, instead of giving it as assignement to do at home. It went well as well, hopefully I get a high grade.
As for one of my graded presentation, I finished preparing it a few days ago and I'm just training to present my part with the slideshow since I'm presenting it tomorrow. 

I also had a biology test which went well, I guess I should be receiving my grade soon since i passed it a week ago, the grade should be high or at least decent to my own standards. I felt pretty confident during the test. 

Also the spring break is in two weeks, this week included, so technically a week and a half.

Also... I kinda asked about my symptoms to an AI... I know, I know, throw rocks at me and lock me in the basement, I won't do it again I swear, (._.`) and it told me I was most likely burnt out and it was important for me to rest and put the whole school and grades thing on pause. The problem is that my doctor doesn't have a lot of appointments available, and even if I get one I never really dare to talk about it, I'm very socially awkward irl, and I really don't see myself telling my doctor about everything and what to do. I mean, shes a doctor, not a therapist. And as I mentionned, she's always busy. I don't wanna keep other patients waiting so my appointments usually last 5 mins MAX, I just tell her about either my iron to get a prescription or my skin problems to get a medication prescription as well. She takes my weight when needed (aka once every 6 months) and I just pack up and leave. 

So yea, the bot told me it wasn't a good idea to keep pushing so I needed to rest. I guess already knew about it, but the term "burnt out" kinda hit me I guess. I'm not comfortable putting such big words to my teenage-living-in-a-developped-country-w-a-phone-"addiction" life, so I never really told myself it was the case, just that I was tired and stressed out by school. So yea, I took a two hours nap after eating lunch, did my laundry and I'm now about to start homework. I feel like I can still push through because I'm about to rest pretty soon as well.

Tomorrow is my last day of suffering, I will have 4 tests and I will be free. (I know, that's crazy, 4 in the same day with an 8 to 6 schedule)

I have an economics test on the market at a bright 8am, a graded debate on the same class about taxes on gas later in the day, my presentation I mentionned earlier from 11 to 12, and a P.E. test from 4 to 6 in which I will have to run for 30mins which we've trained for. I don't like to see it as a test bc its stress inducing so I just see it as another class since it's exactly the same as we've been doing for the past three weeks except our stats are just graded, and the only real thing that is graded is our regularity between laps. I'm not too bad here, my biggest gap from a lap to another is 6 seconds.



So, right now it's 7pm, I've been writing for a full hour, but I'm now rested, less anxious, and ready to grind. Did laundry exceptionally in the middle of the week cus why not. I'm now starting to work in priority order; eng class paragraph (since my teeacher is most likely to check if we did it and give extra homework if not done), economics research for my debate, economics study for the lil test, and that will be it. Pretty easy to do within a few hours if I'm efficient, right? I'll probbaly have to skip dinner for that but I'm not really hungry anyway. I just hope I'll sleep early enough.

Pfft... I talk SO MUCH. Bye..!