Dig deeper in me

This is me deep diving into the unsavory parts of myself, given i started to relate to characters in whom i saw a part of myself that i endlessly try to hide. Its pointless, let me spill.

Any Gachiakuta fans here? Missing out BIG TIME if not. The characters i adore here are Rudo, Zanka and Jabber. The characters i see my deepest self in are both rudo and zanka, mostly zanka. Beware of spoilers, i will describe the characters so skip out if you do not wish to be informed.

Rudo is a teenage boy, shunned and hated in life for his unfortunate circumstances. All he knew since a very young age was hate and resentment, for his situation and the man who was the root of it all, his parents (mostly father). Luckily, he did have a good foster father who tried his best to help him out of this state of rage and inability to stop being physical.

He reminds me of my own teenage years, when i was far more chaotic and impulsive. I would lash out often, unable to keep this concoction of emotions that turned an ugly color the more i grew. I wasn't aware of abuse or how it worked, if i myself was a victim. I was born bright and loud, everyone saw me as the sun itself and anything else was shoved into the closet, i could only be seen as hope itself and i had no room to falter. As such, i remained the happy joyous kid i was labelled, shoving away my recurring confusion and questions, this horrible feeling brewing up the more i smiled and hoped. In the end, puberty was my undoing as all of my emotions spilled out in the form of rage. Rage towards how suffocated i felt all of a sudden, how reality crashed into me and how i realized with dawning horror..

I am indeed broken, joy wasn't all i have in my heart.

I was prickly with those that i knew were the reason i was drowning, i have to live with them every excruciating day after all. Not a single day of peace, i'd wake up to yells and shouts, any mistake-hell, any whimsy would result in reprimands which were never logically explained. It was always "you JUST cant do this", "dont talk back", "are you disobeying me again?". Suprisingly, all i did was ask "why?", these were the replies. A child who remained confused with no way to let out each emotion individually, i took to heart what my abusers did to me often. Rage, sickeningly mad and upset and fucking seething, hatred hatred hatred? Or was it love? Love through rage and hatred? I still don't know.

So naturally, the child lashed out, thats what she was taught no? Every argument, the volume rose, the more they bickered and screamed, the louder she became in her pursuit of a false win. It was a cycle, a disgusting cycle. I would hit back too, oh how i hate my soft heart...i hate myself for it. They deserved it yet i hate myself for it. But who could blame me? I was a child, protecting myself like a damn dog on the street, barking and biting my way through life. No one outside home saw this version of me, this pathetic child with her teeth bared, i made sure it stayed that way. The last thing i wanted was to lash out at someone innocent. In an attempt to soothe myself, to keep this rage contained, i'd resort to hurting myself. I was the feral dog and the owner holding the leash around the neck at the same time. Rudo is portrayed to be pretty similar to this but...he's slowly changing thanks to his new friends, a lovely thing indeed.

I changed too, well, the rage never left. I believe it never will. But perhaps i am simply too tired to rage now, every candle; every fire must eventually run out. Which brings me to zanka! I am at that point in my life after all.

Zanka is also a teenager, though older than rudo given he is 17. He has different faces, on the outside, he looks pretty calm and composed, polite and observant. He tries to be nice out of respect and politeness, he does come from a wealthy family so perhaps thats where this performative show comes from. But on the inside, he's insecure as hell. It pisses him off, how weak he is, or thats what he thinks. He works hard, harder than anyone which was why he was deemed a genius once, people just didn't know the scene in the back and how hard he had to work to achieve his wins. But it all gets crushed when he faces an actual genius, natural talent who ended up beating him and his reality of himself, terribly so. Ever since, he sees himself as an average joe, just a mediocre guy who's getting by with sheer efforts. He wants to make a difference, to shove it in people's faces that ordinary people can be just as useful as geniuses. Also-he's pretty easily agitated, definitely a short temper which he shows at times, despite his efforts in staying calm.

Now that my rudo phase is mostly over, academic pressure and the pressure of...well, living as a normal human overall has left me severely drained. In my teenage years, i was still experiencing, i remained headstrong and had a habit of not giving a shit about what others said. I lived in my own world, peaceful and oblivious, until it slowly fell apart and reality forced itself into me. I started to look around me, noticed my own shortcomings, how ahead of me everyone is and how everyone i grew up with, they turned into absolute geniuses. Some probably always were, others perhaps worked hard. I was surrounded by people far better than me and when i looked at myself in the mirror, all i saw was a sad pathetic piece of shit who couldn't even take care of her health, let alone academics and a future. It fucked me up all over again, procrastination grew worse, i couldn't try to catch up given how tired i was. I completely shut myself out over the span of a few years, from insanely extroverted and confident to quiet and lonely. Like zanka, i leapt into this deep dark well, ready to die. Its not like i don't have motivation in my life, i am in no way facing the worst life. In fact, i'd say i had a decent childhood with many good memories and i have wonderful friends who are akin to family. I am not in shortage of hope, which is why i am still alive right now. But...thats all there is, i am alive but somehow i cant seem to turn completely normal. Though i dont think of death too seriously, i do find myself cursing death upon me at every mistake, every wrong decision. Like zanka, i unknowingly locked out my own potential. Though in the show, zanka doesn't realise he really aint medicore, just unlucky to be fighting a genius at every step. He's absolutely above average, his insecurity keeps him away from reaching his potential. I feel the same, its truly hell down here in this well.

My zanka phase is still here, perhaps as zanka grows in the show...i'll grow with him. Don't bet on it though.

As for ya boy jabber...i just fw his whimsy, really. He's genuinely so unhinged, i'd like to have that whimsy of mine back. He's simply unhatable.

This concludes my occasional self analysis, subject seems to have a better understanding of herself. This cannot be classified as growth just yet, a few more tests and we can start assuming.