coping at 2am

tw sa

sorry for my bad english too

sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i had never been abused when i was a child, i ask myself all the time, its something that terrorises me in every single day, sometimes its just like a whisper.. a random thought.. but there are days like these that i overthink about it, that i really wonder what would happen to me? but i also wonder.. what did my abuser think? hes so cruel, hes the worst person ive ever know in my entire life, he ruined my life forever. i dont wanna be a bad person, but i wish him the worst.. im not a normal teenager n i would never be one bc of him, he ruined the childhood of a 5yo little girl who loved him, now im 15yo n i hate him. i dont wanna be explicit, tho i dont remember that much but the things i remember r so horrible to me, so i just can express my feelings... i feel so lost, im a teenager whos supposed to have friends, enjoy life, be happy...... but instead im suffering bc the trauma he left me really ruined my life, i cant talk or even be around men bc it scares me, ik not everyone is the same but it still scares me. im not a social girl, i just have one online friend that i love sm so irl im alone in school.... how im supposed to be normal? my life feels like a day on repeat, o just wanna be happy and normal :[[

thats all, im gonna play roblox bc im feeling better rn!! i wrote that like 10min ago (っ‸◟｡૮ )