I miss her so bad, she didn't deserve what happened to her.

I wish one day my sister will come home and see me fully feminine. She was the reason I transitioned and who i went to for makeup tips and comfort when things got hard at school. 

As much as I hated her back then, I can't forget how much she means to me now that she's gone. I know she's not permanently gone but she's still gone. The light in her eyes left and the spark she had at school has disappeared. She lost all her friends and she got kicked out of all her advanced classes. 

Its not her fault she cant control her mood as well as others can, she has severe autism and other disabilities that made her life 10 times more difficult than it had to be. She rarely spoke unless it was calling this one guy at obscure hours of the night, keeping me up but i was glad to hear her voice and her laugh. 

she was truly the happiest person you could ever find until she just stopped one day. Glued to her phone, always wearing hoodies or going out. Once i saw what was under that hoodie and I understood why she wore it, thick red marks on her arms that were covered with smudged concealer. It hurt me cause as soon as she realized I saw them she looked up at me fearfully, running back to her room where I sit and write this down now. I can't believe someone could have hurt my sweet angel like that. She was so cheerful and always sprung to help people, even if it hurt her a little bit. 

It's like who she is today isn't her. More closed off than she usually was, her best friends pushed away so far that she lost them. Before she left, we got into a stupid argument about her being too clingy. Fuck I regret that, I didn't understand why she shut up before the ambulance came and she left me her phone. The guy who made her happiest just... left. She had already gone through enough before this with pretty much all of her friends dying, ghosting or just dropping her the second she stopped being popular. 

She's genuinely so different now. its uncanny. Not the sweet girl who I once knew anymore. When I called her Leyley a few days ago, she got this look on her face and said in this tone that id never heard before, similar to anger and sadness, she said "That's not my name. Don't call me that." And for the first time ever, she was no doubt, angry at me. She's never been angry at anyone before, maybe annoyed, but not angry. 

I'm sorry, Ashley, I hope when you come home I'll be the older sister you deserve.

-- Marceline.