march 30th 2026

i’ve fallen in love with God in the hibiscus shrubs in my front yard. iron gates, street cats, pillars of smoke ejecting from someone’s apartment window, street food, empty soda cans, golf clubs next to homeless encampments, actors who are between jobs right now, stick this city into me like a nail in my foot! let the skin grow around and let the rust come with me. i love that nothing is possible. i can do anything i want, forever. i can walk to target. i can take the bus two hours to the pier. freedom is not for lack of a cage—everyone’s in a cage they designed, cages everywhere. you can see it in their eyes. this city is a slow drip down a faucet drain. if you are lucky you’ll see shapes in the mold growing out of the excess.

i can’t remember what love feels like. i can’t imagine waking up with a reason for doing it. i’m not ready to surrender. i don’t want to get trimmed down. i love myself as i am. i am witty and humble and understanding. i am crass and repetitive and i can be shallow. i sing a song to myself until i fall asleep. i love to live, but it burns, and i don’t know if i’m ready, because all this thinking has stunted me irreversibly. i had a good weekend. i feel so alone. only i can save myself.