Report Blog Entry
I considered for awhile and decided to use my spacehey for a digital diary so let this mark the beginning of it all.
before I continue, I want to clarify that I am not going to sit here and self-diagnose myself with anything so don’t bother worry about that.
Though, I will state what I feel like I have instead of saying automatically “Oh, I have [insert medical disorder/mental disorder]!” so that’s just a clarification.
Warnings:
- Ideation of (IYKYK)
- Mentioning of mental illness/disorders
- Harm of (IYKYK)
If any of the following triggers you in any way, please exit this entry. Thank you.
How are you today?: I wish I was better.
For starters: My brain feels hazy and it feels like too many things are changing and constantly happening all at once.
Sometimes, I feel as if I have Bipolar Disorder or something that makes me switch between moods. (ex. I feel happy for a few minutes, next minute I feel agitated or mopey.) and I wonder why I am the way I am.
Not to mention, my weeks feel so empty and looped into a cycle of never-ending of the same things and it got so bad I even yelled at my mom, begging her if she wanted me to be perfect or something like other 17-year old girls.
Some 17 year olds are rich, provide for their families, and get accepted into Ivy League colleges by the time they’re done with high school. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m wasting my time in a way and there should be something more to complete and make my family proud of me.
My mom called me “crazy” after my statement.
“You need to see if you can get back into therapy” she says, that made me stop for a moment and well…I did something to myself.
I scratched my left arm to the point it bled. I did it a few times whenever I needed to quiet my thoughts, I haven’t told anyone about this nor did anyone notice it.
I’m happy they didn’t cause I would’ve gotten yelled at, sometimes I run my arm under hot water to watch it turn red and I have poked myself with a plastic fork when the wound was all scratched up.
Do I regret it? Sometimes.
Will I do it again? Yes, possibly and I feel like I’ll keep going until the wound keeps getting worse or at least heals a little, but then it won’t hurt as much. I want it to hurt. I want to punish myself for not being good enough.
3/30/2026
5:14 PM
Comments
Comments disabled.