why do i do this to myself

It’s a tight knot right in the center of my throat. 

I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. 

that’s what I wrote In the note in my hand that I’m crushing to dust, 

While my stupid lungs feel like they’re starting to rust. 

They tell me, "Just breathe," but it’s not that easy to do When your chest is a room with the ceiling crushing you.

I did it again. 

I forgot to be strong.

I forgot that I’m supposed to play along.

I forgot that the world doesn’t care that it’s hard, 

Or that I’m a mess, a disaster in shards. 

I told them I could handle it,

I said I’d be okay, 

But I’m drowning in silence at the end of the day.

The mirror is screaming that I’m not enough, 

That my dreams are too big and I’m made of soft stuff. 

So I set myself up, 

yeah,

I plan for the fall,

Just so I’m ready when it takes it all. 

I break my own promise before anyone else can,

Like this self-sabotage is some masterful plan.

I keep it all in, I lock up the noise, 

Because nobody wants the broken toys.

I smile and I nod and I do what they ask, 

But I’m terrified of losing the mask. 

Why do I make it harder than it has to be? 

Why am I my own, worst enemy?

Please, just let it shatter. 

I can’t hold it back. 

I’m a train that is speeding right off of the track. 

I don’t want to be strong. 

I just want it to stop. 

Why am I waiting for the final drop? 

I’m a bomb waiting for a spark, 

a river too deep, 

Filled with too many secrets that I canno’t keep.

I want to know why. 

Why do I push so hard? 

Why am I so good at keeping my own guard? 

Why can’t I just be happy? 

Why can’t I just relax? 

Instead of adding weight to my already broken tracks? 

Why am I my own worst critic, my own hardest foe? 

I don’t think I’m okay anymore.