29 March, 2026

29 March, 2026

2:58 PM

Hello,

My name is Nicolas (middle name), and I am here to tell you my thoughts. If you don't want to read this, just keep scrolling. This is your warning now, I am going to bring up some sensitive topics near the end, including self harm, addiction, and having an eating disorder. It begins in the fourth (4th) paragraph and goes until the end of the post. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this <3

For my first post here again, I will just be writing a small introduction. 

My name is Nicolas, and as I said in the beginning, that is not my "actual" name. My first name will not be online anymore, as I just don't want that for myself. I use my middle name as, for lack of a better word at the moment, my "pen name". I am 19 at the time of writing this, and I am not involved in any kind of special activities at the moment like college or some kind of interesting job. I am trying to either go to college to become an addiction and substance abuse counselor for teens/young adults or to become a tattoo artist. I know, they are two very different jobs, but they are the things that I am most passionate about. I've been practicing more with my tattoos and I have recently started taking free courses online about topics that will help me further my education, and it is helping tremendously.

I'm not married yet, but I am engaged to my wonderful fiance. Their name will not be released, but they will be known as "A" and nothing else will be said about it. We have been together 3 years as of 09 May and one year engaged as of 10 May. We are currently working on getting our own place together, which I am very excited about. Me and my partner dated back in middle school, which made them my first serious relationship. I have not regretted getting back together with them. I've been happier than I ever have been in a relationship, and I couldn't ask for a better partner.

I'm a very big nature lover. I care about animals and plants more than I could ever care about any human being ever. I can't even really choose my favorite animal because I love them all, but my current two favorites at the moment are barn owls and armadillos. I have always been an animal lover ever since I was born. I am a very empathetic person, so I care so much about these animals that it hurts. Once I heard about global warming and what is going on about the polar bears, I brought myself a cycle of panic attacks and even more research.

I am transgender. I was born as a female, and I lived 9 whole years as a girl until I started feeling "wrong" about my body and my place in the world. I was the kid that always chose the boy characters or the "masculine" women characters in every game I played. I was never the "mom" or "daughter" while playing house. I was always the "pet" or "dad" or "son" of the family. I remember getting into arguments very vividly about how I didn't want to play as the mom or the daughter but instead the son or the family pet. It wasn't that I wanted the "power", it just felt right to me. I felt as if I belonged there instead of forcing myself to play "girl". I didn't know what being transgender meant until I was around 12 or 13, but I knew it felt right. Before coming out I struggled a lot with my mental health to the point I had starved myself for days on end and self harmed until I was about 18.

As of today, I am 1 years, 11 months, and 25 days clean from self harm. 

As of today, I am 2 years, 3 months, and 11 days clean from Benadryl.

As of today, I am still in active recovery for my eating disorder, but one day there will be a time stamp here as well

If you are struggling with mental health or addiction, please seek help. Trust me, life does get better. There are people out there that care about you, even if you cannot see it yourself. Someone out there will show you that life is worth living. It can be anyone from family, friends, your partner, and even yourself.

Thank you again for taking the time out of your day to stop and read this. It really does mean a lot to me, even if it is just a little post on a website. It means a lot. This is just a little introductory post, and I will most likely be writing again here soon about some of my struggles for anyone that feels alone in this scary world.

Thank you, have a good day, and I love you.

- Nicolas <3