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that was a fun night out! I knew were my limits were going to be ahead of time; I learned from last time and ate properly, charged up my phone, and got home at a reasonable time.
and I enjoyed myself, it was as chill as I'd predicted. I still haven't gotten the hang of the social butterfly thing, though, and because of it I feel like I missed out on some conversations I'd have loved to participate in. am I just too reserved? I still need to get over the belief that I detract from others' discussions and they'd rather I didn't join in at all, because it's not true. half of the work on that will be just expressing my honest opinion (even if it's Out There- I need to embody the certainness of sincerity) and initiating more (and I think that if I did, people would find me as interesting and worthwhile as I know I am, and want them to see in me). it just doesn't occur to me to approach people, I don't know.
sadly, I think I also poked at one of my older coworker's insecurities by accident, and I feel TERRIBLE !!! (especially because it was actually something I liked about him...) I'm not the type to make fun of someone's vulnerabilities "ironically", nor would I want to brush that kind of thing off if it happened. maybe our tones just clash; he tends to take me literally. I think there's still a level of guardedness on my end about coming across as too sincere, so I tend to err more shallow and observational so as to make polite conversation, which might be rubbing him the wrong way. maybe he's expecting something more substantial than that. This is the kind of "overanalysing" that my mum didn't want a bar of on the way home, which is rude, because that's like my entire hobby. Looking forward to dorking out with my equally detail-obsessed dad over the phone about it tomorrow, LMAO.
Anywho... I'm invoking the "being nice for the sake of it" clause of my consciousness again and will strive from here on out to conduct myself in such a manner that makes apparent my desire to be kind to him. I want to tap back into that deeply felt love for all beings and let it naturally shape my relationships (that is to say, I don't want anybody to feel like I want them to feel bad about themselves) even though I know its potency will take some getting used to on my end. it's good, though; it gives me something to aspire towards. I know I just got out of the trenches a day or two ago LOL but I want to fill the space left by that pain with something more warm-hearted and wholesome. I want to start showing up differently now that I feel more capable of it. I want people to know that they matter to me; it's occurring to me more and more that nobody ever finds these things out unless you convey it to them. and that people are so hungry for connection and interpersonal warmth that it has a huge impact on them when you do, which only inspires me more.
is this why I struggle with that social easygoing-ness? Is it Le damn Wokisme? /hj
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sunny
super glad that you had a chill time and its genuinely been such a lovely time reading that you've been having these social experiences with others and making acquaintances! its great knowing that you've been feeling more peaceful and have been genuinely becoming more developed over the course of these months. im happy for you!!
unfortunate you had that awkward moment with the coworker. though id say not too worry too much ^_^''' i mean as human as it is to feel sorry about what you said, but i hope you dont hate the moment so much that you become fearful to talk to him. i suppose it can be a little bit of a lesson, or well actually more of a reminder, of your approach and others' approach. i think that he'd know it wasnt your intentions to poke fun at him if you have more conversations with him more, and generally have more opportunities to see the sincerity in your intentions.
reading the last paragraph was beautiful! im sure at one point, you will succeed in embodying your aspirations with time, discipline, and practice!! i truly wish you great times ahead!!
hey sunny!! thank you for commenting ^_^ I've been keeping up with your bulletins in the background and I really enjoy them! :-) maybe one of these days I'll remember to actually comment while I'm there, oops! :-p
it was definitely a good learning opportunity, and I was grateful for the chance to reflect on it over the phone with my dad last night. it was in that moment that I realised how feasible it is to apologise in the moment- even if the other person isn't so affected by it, it eases the sense of guilt in our hearts, and demonstrates to them that we care for their wellbeing. in a broader sense it allowed me to appreciate that moments of pain are really just opportunities for greater love and growth, if we set our mind to utilising every one of them to their fullest. (and that's a big 'if'; one I'm very interested in translating to reality)
also, thank you very much, friend!!! <3
by kitkatanddog; ; Report