I'm sorry you feel that way

I haven't picked up smoking because I think it'll mess with my lungs, I take a lot of pride in whatever purity I can still hold onto. In this way my selfishness is self defense and my self defense is selfish, and somewhere along the way I lost the benefit of your doubt. 

I know there's nothing waiting for you in the end and when my parents fight they sound like children. What i mean by nothing waiting for you is that there's nothing like reincarnation or heaven though I wish there was.

 If I went to heaven I imagine it would look like the roof of my apartment building, I've never been up there but I'll see a maze and the ground will crack under my feet. I don't like the person I've become, I want to be something completely different. 

A cockroach moulting, and when it's scales comes off its beautiful and clean, but then hard layer comes back its ugly and diseased with two antennas sticking out of it's head. I think my writing is getting messier when I close my eyes I see sheep jumping. 

Here's what I really want is someone to hold me and tell me the truth even if that truth is that I'm not worth bleeding for and that you think that there isn't a human being worse than me but at least you held me and told me the truth and I don't believe there's anything like that out there for me.

There's no one out there that loves like I do and usually when people say that they're expressing that they're very loyal or committed or maybe even just desperate but when I say I mean that my love is the kind where I report you the cops and I destroy your life or I plead with you to stay with me knowing it's selfish and you'll lose more than you could ever gain and my love is the kind where I keep you up till midnight trying to grab the pills out my hand so I don't overdose because even in life you have to grieve me. I'm not looking for pity, in fact im looking for a large wooden cross to nail myself to.