invisible

tw// s@, 3d, s3lf h4rm, 

its been like 2 months i think since i stopped taking my ocd meds (prozac) and i feel like im rotting from the inside, the problem is that i have felt like this for the longest time like as far as i can remember and im not sure if me getting assaulted has anything to do with it its like i don't feel real i feel like im a walking corpse. this is also how i feel about my gender i don't "feel" like a boy OR a girl or anything in between i just idk i feel like a zombie like im just a walking corpse. my eating disorder has also gotten pretty bad again and all i can think about is relapsing but it feels like some type of punishment from god and i feel like i have bed now because no matter what all thats in my head is just food food FOOD!!!! i try so hard to have a "relapse" mindset i tell myself i will throw up after i eat and then i never commit to it, i tell myself i won't eat all day and then i end up folding i was working out for a while but idk i just have no motivation for anything all that's on my head is "get drunk and high" ik the alcohol is deffo a reason why ive gained weight but i just can't stop using it (more like abusing it) i dont wanna feel anything, i got into a small argument with my bf a while back because he nicely told me i needed to shower and i just idk i started bawling my eyes out the whole time in the shower, idk why showering has always been a problem for me but anyways that's enough ranting for now

kie OUT! („• ֊ •„)