woke up this morning and decided to Get Good at my job

hi friends!! I'm (so) back ^_^ and I have the next three days off~!

you guys, I used to sympathise with those memes made by baristas complaining about how hard and shitty their jobs are, until I made a few fateful google searches last night hoping to fill some training gaps, and discovered that Steaming milk should lowkey be really easy. this was literally news to me. I thought everybody else just had a secret knack for it that could only be obtained by developing a deep spiritual relationship with the coffee machine... not that they just turned it on to full throttle every time they had to warm milk.

and upon trying it this morning, I can confirm; Jesus holy christ my job just got 70% easier, and we should expect my general neuroticism and stress about my role to decline by a similar percentage over the coming weeks (especially as I refine my technique). I endured MONTHS of stress and anxiety about making coffees because I wasn't properly trained on it and thought I was just doomed to let everyone down for the next however many months until I developed the mysterious Knack... But now I understand...

I was also picking up on another coworker's stress about Lowkey everything (coffees included, probably) during this time, which lead to me having some really hard weeks fraught with anxiety and a sense of dread before every shift. in hindsight I find myself wishing that I'd caught it sooner, because I expressed a level of anxiety about things like rostering gaps (and probably developed a bit of a reputation for it, oops) that wasn't even mine. and I'd like my reputation not to be tarnished by me being the sponge for others' negative feelings that they're not addressing. not that I blame her in particular; she's a real sweetheart, but also a total fawner, and fawning is a very difficult position from which to combat such... systemic anxiety. 

speaking of, I hope this'll even improve my deactivation towards my older coworker. I was Still lowkey haunted by that time back in february he tried to help me during a busy period and I spent the whole time freaking out because I didn't really know how to make coffees, to the extent that he literally started reassuring me about it, which only made me spiral more!!! now I know I'll never face a harrowing situation like that again I feel so much better about him. like so much shame and avoidance has fallen away it's literally ridiculous. 

urgh, that constant anxiety was a huge barrier to me deepening relationships with All of my coworkers. I find myself wanting to make up for lost time now that I've resolved the problem and feel confident in myself again. now that I've achieved not just that tangible level, but also that sense, of competency, I could relive that One fateful afternoon and have it not be a world-shatteringly huge deal. and I guess my nervous system just needed to retrace it like that in order to get over it. it just snowballed into a huge anxiety about how everyone in my social circle feels about me, because my feelings of inadequacy at making coffees made me anxious and elusive about Everything (and I'm sure his mum, who worked in an adjacent apartment to mine, thought I was a total mysterious disaster woman because of that... oops...). but now I feel like I'm on a more level playing field I can actually relax and connect with my coworkers as equals, and it's a lot more effortless than previously. Oh my god I can barely even convey how big this has been for me. 

and like, people are usually pretty receptive to that groundedness and confidence, so I feel pretty good about being able to work on my connections from here on out. I do still feel a level of anguish that I spent so long hiding from everybody I cared about, and I worry that I lost their respect somehow. I'm also trying not to feed that anxiety, even though I'm pretty sure that one's probably mine this time... I keep having to remind myself that nobody has as much context as I do, and so they're probably not resenting me like I am. I did read the other day about how most people are just seeking connection, and I'm sure they'd rather be in relation with me again than arbitrarily punish me for, what? being kind of weird and quiet for a few weeks? Maybe it's not the end of the world after all.

oh man, this is a game changer for me. I'm so glad I have a few days off to process all of this; particularly the shame I still feel about having struggled with something so simple for so long, and my having been unable to maintain relationships due to it. I hope my work friends can find it within their hearts to forgive me for being so distant over it... but until they do, I want to wish this same level of epiphany and relief upon all of you, as well. it's been a total blessing. and so has this shared moment with you! thank you as always for stopping by :-) I missed feeling so good and alive.