i feel like such a damn child

hi in todays lecture ill be venting about just having no discipline lmao

no layout cus im on my phone and i dont think any1 will see this tbh

i feel like i was more mature at like 12 years old than now lmao. its not like im even grown lol like im still developing so this is kinda a stupid thing to vent about, but ppl tell me im rlly mature for my age and like.. i think im just a good listener with decent advice just cus im a direct person.

even then, i still feel so childish because it takes so much effort for me to keep my focus on something i dont wanna do. this sounds soo fucking stupid and so obvious but like school work and research and whatnot, whenever i sit down to work on an essay for example it feels like the chair and computer and the 10 open tabs just suck the life force out of me. i become so fatigued and just wanna go to sleep from looking at my doc. another example is reading and god i wish i could enjoy reading so bad. reading feels like a ‘mature’ thing in my eyes because it takes so much concentration for me to sit and read something. this could partially be because of eyesight since a lottt of my family wears glasses and i will probably have shit eyesight in the future, but reading just feels like its corroding my energy that i couldve spent on more urgent, productive things like cleaning my room for once, or working on the painting i’ve put off for a month. still, we need to read to get by in life.

and here brings another point: i feel even more stupid for complaining about the shit i have to do to *live.* i hate wallowing in the same miseries i’ve had since i was 11. i hate complaining about the work we *all* have to do to get by. i always go on and on about how tired i am, but everyone else is tired too and they dont talk about it. the first thing i bring up to people when they ask me how i am is how tired i am. how sick i am of work and whatnot, and they all nod and agree. like of course theyre sick and tired too, so why do i complain about it so much? i feel like i can never shut my mouth about how i feel.

my feelings and frustrations come up so easily. people think im so assertive, and i thought i was too for a while; confident, ambitious, advocative, but really everything just comes up like ‘word vomit.’ i’ve confronted authority like teachers about things they do that frankly piss me off lol. stuff like going off topic a lot or just lots of work when we get tons of work from every class, and i like to think i’m getting better at carrying myself in a more controlled, respectful manner, but nonetheless my emotions always seem to get the better of me. i’ve also just been so easily triggered in life. i can’t tell when people are lightheartedly joking with me; making quick jabs and teases and the like. i absolutely hate incessant nagging, asking me to do something i already know. i also hate hypocrisy because it is sooo prevalent in my household! i will genuinely snap whenever i sense either of these two things no matter who it is, then ill hate myself for snapping and letting go. i resort to self-isolation because i cant snap if there’s nobody else with me of course, but unfortunately every minor inconvenience makes me wanna scream. book fell off my desk, accidentally spilled on my clothes, got crumbs everywhere, (whatever whatever) and i literally cannot go about my business as usual. i yell and i bang my head on the wall and i grab my hair (and people can probably hear me but i stopped caring atp) and i just dont get why i wont be the emotionally mature person my family, friends, teachers see.

just to go another layer deeper, i have all these open ended dreams with psychology and my art and passion for fashion and multilingualism and entrepreneurship and relationships and all the like, but i can never get up and act on it. getting up to work on art is the worst fucking thing in the world. art is so so rewarding, but committing to a piece is hell. i purely rely on my motivation for art (i mean i rely on motivation and pinterest just to get up and do anything) and after a day of painting or drawing im done. ive had this painting of thom yorke that i havent touched in a month, partially because im busy, but still mostly because i cant be bothered.

the people around me see a passionate girl that will go achieve so many things. i’ll study abroad and i’ll get into prestigious programs and go to a top-notch college and have a successful career, but i often feel like my lack of discipline has turned me into a lazy, angry, unsatisfied, fiery being that will say the wrong thing at the wrong time as my parents warned me and i’ll get thrown to the streets, thrown out a job, thrown out my home, thrown out the people that loved me.

900ish words of venting LOL ok good night spacehey