diaries you could say?..

There's something so freeing about finally having a safe place where you can truly be yourself, where no one can find you and no one can judge you for the exterior, where you can for a second release it all and remove those masks you put on everyday, even for yourself, and just be.  I don't know where to start, or what i should say, and i guess this is how it has been for such a long time now, i cannot find words to say not only to people but to myself as well, life has been feeling like such a dream lately, but not that one where im super happy and achieving all i want and going out with friends everyday, no, the one where you don't recognize people, you don't recognize situations, you don't recognize life, and most importantly yourself. I'll forever mourn who i could've been if some stuff were just, different, who i could've been if life was gentler on me, and although others might see me as successful, might see me as the person that has their path clear, as the person who's doing "better" than a lot of others, I'll never see that, as I am the one who knows I've truly lost myself, lost my faith, lost my passion, lost my innocence, lost my will, and just, lost it, and although that might sound depressing, and makes me wonder how am i going to keep going on in life when i simply just, don't like nor want it? There's something somehow freeing and peaceful about that, something quiet, painful, but gentle, it feels like now I'm just an outsider watching my life, and watching, me, regretting it all, and hating it yet loving it all, and I've learnt to come in terms with that. Mom, i really wished i could've been who you wished i am, i really wish i could be like others whom you compare me with, i wish i didn't disappoint you, even with what you don't know, but most of all i wish life was gentler on you, i wish you didn't have such a harsh childhood and life back then, you didn't deserve it, i can see how much pain and grief there are inside you whenever i lok into your eyes, and dad, i know you hate yourself, i know the conflicts you go through everyday in your head, i know how much you blame yourself, i know that behind all this anger there's love, i mean, i can't be my father's daughter if I'm not like that too right? I love you, but I hate how much i see myself in you, and i hate myself for it even more. And for my precious siblings, i don't know if i will ever be able to show you truly how much i love you, how much you truly, mean the world to me, but im sorry, im sorry for hurting you, i really am, im sorry for not always being who you want me to be, I'm sorry for not showing it, i don't know why, i truly don't, and there's nothing i hate myself for more than this, but i want you to know, that i wouldn't have to think twice if i were to give my soul out for you. And for my love, i want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll always love you, and for that reason, I wish you happiness that I know you won't find with me, I'm not meant for this and that's okay, maybe one day you'll understand, and maybe you won't, maybe life will surprise me like it always did, but know I've given you my heart and I can never take it back. For my dear friends, you make me hold on to life, you are the almost transparent ray of light shining through a dark room with no windows open, that makes you able to at least get a glimpse of how the room looks like, i wish you nothing but to live your life happily the way you want it, and for it to be more gentle on you. And God, i know you're hearing me, i really do, however you are and wherever you're at, i know you do, i wished i could be from those believers who just.. believe, i really did, and the emotions of envy and admiration and dispise have never fought harder, i really love you, i really do, and maybe I'll never let go, maybe this what I'm supposed to fight with for the rest of my life, but life is too harsh and cruel to believe. Life is too unfair and humans are too evil i can't g myself to ignore it all and just believe, i can't, i hope i do, i really really do and i know you hear my cries about this, i hope i don't go to hell, i hope you see what I'm going through and not make me go through hell twice, I'm holding on or dear life because I'm nothing more than a coward, and a woman that decided to live her life for people, and I've been trying to accept that lately, and I know i will, and i know I'm gonna "succeed' in life, and i know I'm gonna grow and look at this and be confused, and i know I'm gonna miss being 16 just as i miss now being 7, maybe not really, but i miss it, and that's one of the few things about me i truly love, i seem to know how to find beauty in everything, even that that wasn't beautiful back then or to people, and it helps me give life a fake meaning holding me from collapsing, but a question that I'll never seem to get the answer to, and will always remain at the back of my head, why did you give birth to me mom? why did you bring me hear?.