loser falls in love

I have to get things out of my chest rn, these things aren't necessarily "bad things" but things i think I have to say out loud before I can't control myself over my feelings

And andy if you are here reading this, i will explain this to you, I SWEAR BUT PLEASE DON'T MENTION THESE TO ANYONE GODDAMNIT 😭, i swear i'm going to delete your Steam account (this is a joke)

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There's this person that has been in my life since we are little (kindergarden if I'm correct) that has become into my favorite person of my entire life. And he doesn't even have to try, you know! This guy can smile and it will make my day 10 times better. I haven't told anyone but only two people that I know, the reason is that, if I tell something about this to the group I belong more to, they'll fucking kill me and it's just matter of time until they realize about my actions towards him and his actions towards me (and this even counts for my mother and father, if they notice something weird in me, I think I'll be dead, floating by a river or in big black plastic bags with my body chopped in pieces or smth 😭)

Idc if I sound like I have attention issues or something, but I've never felt loved (romantically or by any blood relatives, js my mother) in my life, that even if I have more or less social skills and talk to anyone, I don't feel like I fit in into any groups that I have. Not even with my family, both of them (I tend to be quiet in my family, and to them, they think I'm some sort of hypocrite, specially to two aunts, one from my mothers side and the other from my father's side). And it's just like, the thought of someone loving me even after seeing all my bad traits and my way of thinking it's impossible. But he does, he makes me feel better after anything i've gone through, the last time we saw each other we hugged so so tight that I still crave for more and at this point I think I'm just longing to see him again. I love him sososo much and he does too, he tells me how he cares about me and loves me dude :D

I want to do so much things, run my fingers through his hair, make him feel happy and secure about himself, I want to surprise him with videogames, or merch from videogames, play with him terraria and all the multiplayer videogames he has, I want to hug him until I feel like we are one, I have so much to give and I finally found someone that will have all I have to give :3 (and he even calls me by a such hilarous and pretty nickname, like what the hell is a conguito JAKSJAKSJ)(

We are still friends, and it sometimes makes me wonder if we are going to stay like this for more long time, but this happened before, and I won't repeat the same mistakes again, (I have to because if I don't I will shove a gun into my mouth) 

I hope I can do as much as I want to with him, and I hope he cherishes me as much as I do for him too, he doesn't know how much he means to me and to everyone in our friend circle, and I want to change that.

i think I will play hollow knight for now