How Illness and Bad Memories Correlate

Tuesday, March 24, 2026

I already wrote an entry the other day and I usually have no desire to post back-to-back as it certainly feels less attention-seeking when I post about my problems a couple days apart from one another. However, I've caught a spring cold and I've got nothing better to do than to write about it because I'm like those people that record themselves crying. I'm calling it a spring cold but really, it's practically still as cold as winter here and it doesn't help that I have several vitamin deficiencies. 

I've forgotten what it felt like to be sick when I was younger. I remember getting sick a handful of times when I was little, I just can't recall a single thing about any of those experiences. I don't necessarily think that it's unusual to forget those moments given that they were probably extremely uneventful, but I do feel like getting sick now is a lot different than how it felt back then. As I said, I don't remember any particular instances of being sick when I was younger, but I faked sick all the time (I tried faking sick to avoid a doctor appointment once because I was a retard), I can only imagine my attitude towards sickness was positive—I just associated being ill with staying in bed all day without getting reprimanded. This aspect of being sick does not appeal to me anymore because I do this half of the week anyway, I just stopped caring about the 'getting reprimanded' part. Truthfully, there is nothing about being sick that appeals to me anymore.

I'm not saying that as some sort of grand reveal or anything, I doubt there are many people that like getting sick. I know it's not an interesting thought. But there's a certain experience of getting sick now that I just can't stand, it brings all of my worst memories back. I think about those memories all the time, but they don't cross my mind just as much as they do when I'm feeling ill. Aside from the general discomfort and disgustingness of being sick, the feeling of reliving my worst experiences makes it harder to breathe than my clogged nose does. Even during my worst days, there's always times where I'm at ease—such as getting ready in the morning, coming home at the end of day, and on worst of the worst days, there's always a quick three-minute bathroom break—but being ill makes me constantly at unease. Where does this correlation come from?

I've tried to come up with my own conclusion, which is still coming together. I'd say it's the weird fever dreams I get, but there is nothing different from the dreams I have when I'm sick compared to when I'm not. I have weird and bad dreams all the time. I do have reoccurring nightmares, but even when I'm not terrified of my dreams, I'm not particularly having a good one—my "normal" dreams are still just too odd to not wake up in relief that it's not reality. Does anyone actually have good dreams regularly? Like, your dreams may not be particularly bad or good, but you don't just have dreams about riding your bike and eating ice-cream, do you? Basically, while I do have weird dreams while I'm sick, I don't think it is the cause as to why I feel so at unease while I'm sick. It doesn't matter how horrifying some nightmares get, I will still always take a nap some time throughout the day. I cannot be that alarmed, really.

There's supposed to be another part where I discuss some other factor that could cause this correlation, but I didn't think of that yet and I don't care to do any actual research that isn't just my heart guessing. Unfortunately, you're getting no science from me. Though, my next best guess is that my body is reminding itself via bad memories that while I feel shitty right now, I've felt worst. It would be more inspiring if I could handle it. But really, I could go through forty-eight hours of the worst possible torture that a human could endure, survive, and I'd still bitch about some mild headache. I can endure stuff, but I really can't.

The idea of a spring cold and summer fever feels like some kind of immune system oxymoron, such a useless experience. It's also kind of crazy how I've sat here for like seven minutes writing this, thinking about every word I type, and my nose still hasn't unclogged. I'm still very afraid, too.