18

my birthday is in an hour. 

i find myself being quite high standarded but in reality there are no clear standards for anything or anyone i face. i dont wish to be like this: hating something unreasonably is painful. and i hate a lot. 

there's still fear in me. but i feel soft breezes of the past experiences calming me down. games, novels, movies. those things dont change. once you take a picture it's impossible to alter it without creating a new one. the same with media, there's no way remake of off or a patch with stupid add-ons in disco elysium are going to ruin what these games have been for me. they will always be my caring mother. 

i dont want to age. i dont want to start missing what i experience right now. i dont want to be something better or worse than what i am. but there is no escaping it. and if there isn't, i will just have to face it head on. 

ah, well. good night.