i hope i forget you

this is an extremely corny and self-deprecating blog post, but it's only really for me. if anyone is reading this, this essentially is about the radioactive combination of a co-dependent tween-teenage friendship and a small religious school.

there was this girl i was friends with all throughout elementary school and middle school, and a bit of my freshman year if you want to count that. our trio kind of had no other choice, because we were in one of those suffocating religious schools with like 15 people per grade; and we were the only girls that were losers. we used to butt heads a lot in the earlier years because i was too fiery and she was sensitive. i don't know when the great shift was, but it probably started sometime in middle school when everyone around me suddenly seemed so much more grown-up than me. essentially, i became socially inept and anti-social and everyone in class talked shit about her because she was loud and a crybaby. oh, and we both really liked danganronpa. we naturally glommed together. 

of course, we were a trio, but back then it seemed like she was the voice and we were the backtrack. you would think that i was her dog the way our conversations would go. she would talk about something, and my other friend and i would patiently listen and reply to every last word enthusiastically and quickly. if we seemed the slightest bit dry or bored; she'd get extremely offended and cry about it to her family. i remember liking it. in some weird, messed up way it gave purpose to me who was treated like i was nothing by everyone else. for the first time, it felt like someone needed me. i wonder if our other friend ever felt the same way. maybe that's why we put up with her for so long. every hour, every second of every day was filled with just her. whenever i dared to mention something that i was passionate about or needed support/help, she simply would just admit that she had nothing to say and would change the topic like i was an annoyance. i called her out, eventually, but i'd always end up going back because she'd pin it on her ADHD. which is quite funny to look back on, because i eventually got diagnosed with ADHD freshman year(and i even later got medicated recently), and i never acted the way she did? which i guess is dependent on the situation, but i don't know. it makes me question if it really was her ADHD affecting her, or was she just using it as an excuse to constantly prioritize her spotlight over her friends' feelings? 

she wasn't terrible. when i was terrified of my parents kicking me out of our house, she was there comforting me, telling me i could run away to her house that was supposedly so much better. she would later guilt trip me on this nonstop, weaponizing the help i needed as evidence of her being a therapist friend. but that was the only issue she ever really would support me on. everything else was just too much. i was too much, and i had to shrink myself as best as possible to accommodate for her. i built nearly my whole self on that belief for so long. i think i will always inherently believe that that's all i deserve, being someone's sponge. 

she also was just a massive bitch in general. she would slap me and pin me onto benches no matter how many times i told her i was not okay with it. 

it came to a halt when i found out she outed me, and her mom was going around talking bad about me to other moms who would therefore tell their kids shit about me. it obviously, was very horrific to find out because we were in a small religious school. i was suffocating. it propelled me back into a childhood depression i was slowly healing from. it was terrifying, realizing that someone i cared for so much would put me in a situation that could become life-threatening. i don't think i ever will fully trust my friends, no matter how close we are, because of that. for a while, i didn't tell a soul. except for maybe my older cousin and my online friend at the time(i srsly miss you.) i instead was a bitch, because i was immature. she idolized a lot of unethical people, who i began teasing her about. ( cough cough.. DREAM + DSMP #putthemaskbackon) she'd blow up, get pissed and at times would get mildly physical. which, all i would really say was that the people she idolized were horrible people(which was true.) this propelled us into a fight.. and i confronted her about being a shitty friend. 

our teacher got involved, because it was a small religious middle school, of course she did. it was frustrating, because my friend was the type of person who went "i guess i'm the bad guy" through sobs. this is seriously a pet peeve of mine to this day. how could you acknowledge that you were the one at fault and refuse to apologize due to your own self-pity? she proceeded to spin my teasing as bullying. which..she would say worse things to me and laugh. i ended up being forced to come out to my teacher, making this a trillion times worse because now you have a middle-aged Jesus-obsessed woman telling you that you are far too young to know what you like(despite her teasing other girls for crushes on ugly boys in our class.) no one was able to defend me, because no one wanted to deal with "drama" or get in trouble. 

i went back for my final year of middle school, and things did not get better. she would blatantly talk shit about me to other classmates, teachers, even in the middle of fucking class. and her mom. god, her mom. her middle-aged ass wouldn't stop saying disgusting fucking shit about me to whoever had ears. to top it all off, i lost my closest friend and didn't really talk to anyone else consistently. this was incredibly isolating. i still talked to our other friend, who silently supported me, which was nice. but it didn't really help, because no one was there to defend me against what people were saying about me but me. 

eventually it got to a point where i tried to commit for the first time, and confessed it to a teacher who i trusted. i had to go to a hospital. things didn't get better around me, and the experience was actually more traumatic than it was a helpful intervention. unfortunately when i told the teacher i trusted, the only other person available to wait with me for my parents to come pick me up was that teacher from last school year. when i got back to school, i found out she told my then ex-friend's mom, who proceeded to tell other people that i was lying about going to the hospital and i had "finally moved schools." unfortunately for me, i didn't. but because i didn't want to keep suffering, and a part of me missed her; i chose to forgive her even though she never apologized, and we became "close" until my middle school graduation. her behavior never changed, of course. pitting me and my other friend against each other for her attention. 

i cut contact with her the summer after our graduation, because we were going to different high schools. she eventually got an instagram, and i reconnected with her, because it felt like i wasn't really me without her. this obviously did not end well, and she was just the same as she was before and it ultimately ended with me cutting her off for good.

it was unfortunately not her last attempt at contact with me. in spring of sophomore year, she sent one of her friends to harass me obsessively on instagram until i had to block her. whatever love i still had for her deep down vanished like dust, safe to say.

it's so weird, realizing that someone you care for so much, supported and contributed to their growth, GREW up with, melted your mold to fit their role for you.. can't even name a single thing they know about you. what food you like, clothes, music, hobbies, favorite film, dreams, the things that make you, you. i don't think i'll ever get over that heartbreak. it feels like my view of friendship, personal identity, etc will forever be shaped by my complications with her in my formative years. it feels like it rewired my brain chemistry. some say it's not that deep, but i can't even remember a time i haven't craved a genuine companionship since i was a baby. i need to get over it, and in many ways i have. writing about my trauma, talking about it, reflecting on it has really lead me on the path to healing, even if no one is listening. maybe it could do the same for you, too.

i think that things will one day be okay.

if you're reading this(she definitely is not, actually i would hope not.) 

i don't want anything from you anymore. not an apology, not understanding, not friendship. (i assume you are not very keen on either of those options.) i just hope that i will one day be so happy and fulfilled that i forget you. i hope i forget the way you treated me, and learn what it really is like to feel reciprocated friendship from someone. i hope that i never hear from you again.

okur im sleeping now #bai <3