Report Blog Entry
Hey losers, I'm back
Anyways,
It's the beginning of another era—
Everyone around me is another reason added to my list of "why me" and feeling sorry for myself when I know I'm, if anything, worse.
And maybe I'm pretentious with the way I shape myself to fit others ideals, maybe I should let all the shit that happened in 2017 go (as if I don't try desperately to do so), maybe I'm the problem
Stop.
I get it, I get it, it's a 50/50 but could everything just freeze for five goddamn seconds I can't handle this anymore, everything I do to improve is another mile step backwards, any attempt to reconcile once amiable relationships is met with acrimony and more excuses to spiral into social isolation
Is it normal to feel no remorse anymore, no empathy besides the occasional "oh wow, why did I do that" thoughts? I can't tell if it's her fault anymore, I mean this happened years ago, this happened in 4th grade, we were CHILDREN, literal infants and I can't let it go. Am I really this stupid? I mean come on, surely, she has by now.
I've come to a realization lately; every time someone claims I'm some antag of their entitled little world it's the same people that expect me to know everything I've done wrong, when in reality half of the time I had no idea I was doing it. I understand the non-consensual ARGS, I understand the prolonged lies and desperate attempts to keep people in my life regardless of if it hurts one of us or not, but little things like tone and actions I don't remember, why can't they just say it? Say it to my face, tell me I'm a bad person and list in-depth why, don't just expect me to know all of my faults.
I've been sitting on this future-fantasy, leaving without turning back, starting a new life with my best-friend. But what if plans fall through? This is all I've looked forward to for the past three years that I know I could go through with, but what if she gets sick of me before then? What if something happens and I have to leave almost immediately, what if—
And that's it, why do I fixate on people like this, why can't I have my own personality, my own interests, my own ideas, why can't I get control over my own life? Why is everything 'ours', why can't I do what I want to do simply because my own defective brain can't function at a rate that lets me be my own person? I have so many dreams that I never go through with, I've messed up relationships when I try simply because the way I phrase things makes me sound off-putting, why can't I be normal?? I can't walk up to someone cool on the street and start a casual conversation, Instead I do everything in my power to copy everything down to their mannerisms and speaking style. If they hate something, suddenly I do, if they sit a certain way, I do, I mimic anyone that piques my interest in the slightest and I'm not even sure why. As far as I'm aware this wasn't a problem until 2017, or maybe it was, and I just never realized. I feel like I, at some point, was my own person, maybe. But now?? everything I have is solely based on bits and pieces I took from other people.
There was no point in saying this, but now someone gets to sleep tonight being fully aware of my emotional baggage (sorry, by the way)
I love you all
Comments
Displaying 1 of 1 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
ＮｉｇｈｔＬｉｍｉｎａｌ ヨイ
I get what you're saying, I was thinking about this the other night. How much of our ideas are actually our own? Do we do everything based on parts of other people's ideas? If so, where did the first ideas come from?
That's also a good point; it seems like an uncommon problem that people atleast take on a few ideas/traits from other people even if its unconscious mirroring, even animals do it
by ace / credence; ; Report