My First Love - A Little Rant

I don't think my first love was ever a person.

I didn't fell in love with a face, or a voice, or even a name i can circle in my notebook. It lived in a space in the back of my mind, in the way someone looked at me a bit longer, in the warmth that spread through me when i felt chosen by someone, even only for a moment.

 But it wasn't the boy in my class who sat next to me or the girl in my tiktok dms. It was the feeling, and i see that just now.

The feeling of being seen and heard. The feeling of being in their thoughts, even just for a moment. 

My whole childhood i was being overlooked, just the quiet girl in the back of the classroom who's too insecure to raise her hand. But I felt it when that one boy in elementary school started to look at me a bit different, started to play chase with me on a class trip, and helped me with my homework. I played it over and over again in my head, like a song you play on repeat to memorize the lyrics. I knew i didn't like him as a person. In fact, he actually tested my patience on a daily basis. I hated his voice, his looks, everything. And this makes me propably a bad person, but i still held him close. I didn't study him or admired the small things, the details, the flaws. I studied myself around him, like I was finally a part of something. 

I think that's what made it so hard to let go. I wasn't scared of losing him, but losing that feeling and that version of myself i longed to be, the one who felt wanted, the one who believed she was easy to love.

It's strange loving something that was never about another person. Sometimes i wonder if I've ever actually been in love at all, or if I just want to feel more important in someone else's life than i actually am.

If my friends ask me today who my first love was, I can never recall a face.

The only thing I remember is the feeling i never managed to find again.

They were never my first love.

Being loved was.

-V