“Surviving the Reflection” poem yunni starlight

“Surviving the Reflection”

—It’s exhausting, isn’t it? —I said to my reflection in the sea.
It didn’t answer, it just stared at me. Still, I kept talking.

I’m not sure what exactly feels so exhausting. Maybe it’s nothing, I thought.

—Maybe it’s nothing —my heart told me, as it put on one of those little band-aids for kids, the ones with teddy bears. It has always liked those things.

—Doesn’t it hurt? —I asked.

—Not at all —it replied, as if that were enough.

—Why do you speak with so much bitterness? —my reflection said.

—How can you say it doesn’t hurt, if you cry with every word you say?

And then I understood.

What exhausts me… is myself.

My voice, my mind, this body that won’t stop speaking and hurting. I’m so tired of it.

—I don’t know what else to say —I told myself—. But you never stay quiet.

And then I wondered in a low voice:

Would I be silent if I were gone?
I wish I could disappear, even just for a while.
Just to stop hearing myself.

As I said it, I was crying, yelling at myself, without strength.

A woman walked by with her child. I couldn’t hear much, the ringing in my ears wouldn’t let me, but what little I caught shattered me.

—Mom, is that girl okay? —the child asked.

—No, son. Don’t you see she’s not well? That’s what happens when people listen to the wrong things. Her family probably doesn’t even love her. Don’t look at her, stay away —she said, moving aside as if I were something to avoid.

And that broke me.

The way they looked at me. With disgust. With fear. As if I were something to be avoided.

And I just wanted to be an artist. That was all.

—I wish I could disappear —I repeated.

—Then do it —my reflection said—. Just disappear.

It had a cruel smile on its face.

—No! —I shouted. You don’t get to win. If I give up, you win. And I won’t let you.

Do you really think I don’t know what you want?

I’d rather fight you than let you win.

And then I left.

That’s how I survived my reflection.

I don’t know if I meant it, or if I just like going against myself.
I don’t know.

All I know is that I haven’t looked at myself again,
not in a mirror,
not in the sea.

Who knows…
maybe one day I will.
Or maybe not.

All I know is that I’m still here,
half numb inside,
with a knot in my throat that nothing can loosen.

Still with this heart patched up with teddy bear band-aids,
and this quiet desire to disappear without making noise.

And even if no one notices, I carry myself every day.

Carrying this body, this pain, this voice that won’t stay quiet.

And that… that isn’t shouted.
That is written. 

-By Yunni Starlight