im so disgusted by myself

idk but i dont wanna feel like a female anymore. im gendefluid only cuz my fam and the whole country is homophobic and they wont accept me. i never wanted a good life for myself, i dont see any future in myself too. i just wanna live for nothing but for my wife cuz shes the only one i have in this world. i thought i had my fam with me supporting until they showed their real faces to me, they dont care less about my mental health or anything they js want me to study like a robot nobody asks me how am i or what do i feel for once. i wanna be noticeable, i want to be noticed as an sick person whos holding theirselves from committing. i wanna be a complete different person.