To crush or be crushed

I have a crush on my coworker but it’s not like I see him everyday. Once or twice a week, 3 times if I’m lucky. We went out for coffee & it was great like just a really good time. I’ve always tried to push him away, he said I was really mean when we first met. I think about our interactions a lot. I dream about holding his hand but that’s really all. I’ve never felt this way for someone. My last relationship was really abusive and ended right around the time I met him. I pushed him away so much because I didn’t want to like him or him like me. Then we were scheduled together like every shift I worked & it’s not like we flirt, we argue & banter, so much so that our manager would comment on it knowing that it wasn’t really a problem. Many people have said they want us to date. I really didn’t look too much into it. I remember the first time I found him cute. I was going on a trip, right before he was asking if he should shave his head to which I insisted he should do. Part because I love when guys shave their hair, anyway I came back from the trip & saw him, not realizing it was him. Oh my he looked so handsome like just a completely different person. I started to like him but wasn’t ready to and continued to be off putting. I still am. I don’t know how to not be an off putting bitch when I’m at work with him; honestly I think it’s just the environment. I just want to hold his hand. He asks me a lot of questions and my opinions on things. I think I’m in love with him. Actually I know I am. My times running out, he’s quitting Monday. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again, but I’m okay with that. I’ve been a real shit to him, but he doesn’t make it easy at work so… that’s just because he’s not happy with the job, which I don’t blame him at all. I’m going to miss him so much. He’s sweet, kind, funny, smart, he matches my energy, and makes me laugh a lot. I’m giving it up to God. What else am I supposed to do? I can’t tell him how I feel. I’m afraid it’ll blow up. I’m sure it can’t be that bad to bring this up, but I just don’t want to. I don’t feel ready for love. We’ve both got stuff to go through. Plus I just keep embarrassing myself in front of him. I wish I was different, but I’m me. There’s no changing these things. He told me I’m negative but I’m not. I can be but I’m not. Maybe I am. He thinks he knows me so well but he barely knows me at all. I wish he’d just hold my hand. Then I’d know. If only. Now it’s just the wait of to crush or to be crushed.