An ocean of thoughts (poem)

I am inside a deep ocean. The water pushes me deeper and deeper. Harder and harder when I try to escape. Every smile and every word feels heavy. I am suffering in loneliness, alone with thoughts that aren't good for me, scaring me until the night. I hear the voices of friends, but I'm nearly losing them. Friends that would have a better life without me. I don't trust myself anymore. The sunlight, which was warm before, doesn't feel the same. The funny jokes my friend told me just slide through my mind. The world that was so colorful once is just grey. The smile I had, so honest, is just a lie now. I fall down and just want to crash so hard that the fall is finally over. Finally, I just stay in the ocean until my soul stops crying and I can finally end everything. Maybe I could have swum in the water, but maybe it would just hurt more. Maybe a whale can't walk on land like it's fine, even if it is his old home. I believe I was just an obstacle for others to find happiness. The place he loved so much is now just a memory, just because he touched the water once... Maybe there was something good in this world and I was just the bad. I am bad enough to stay. Selfish enough to stay. But still not naive enough to hope...