Why dont i feel accomplished??

Because of anxietyyy and depressionnnn and bullying and all the like, you get it, ive missed a lot of school in my years. When I’ve been in school, i have fled immediately once given the chance. So as you might be able to imagine i havent done a lot of studying in my life. Not that i havent at all or that i dont, ive just missed a lot and havent bothered trying that much. Honestly the biggest problem i have when it comes to studying us that i suck at doing it moderately, either i do study and do it sooo much and get an A or B, or i dont study at all and cry when i do the test and get, well, you can imagine.

But this year, year nine(15-16 y.o.) in the swedish school system, its like the most intense as well as the most important year in school, unless youre trying to get into like top universities later, then the three years after this are more important. Buuut im going to pursue illustration so.. yeah it doesnt matter that much. Nit even this year honestly, i just need to pass basically. 

But since this is actually kinda important and i want to get in to the school of my choosing, I’ve been sooooo locked in. 

I am studying for every test, i am prioritizing school over my interests and hobbies,(💔💔) LIKE IM REALLY TRYING. For once..

But now Im doing what im supposed to do, Im doing good. But i feel like im being lazy? Like the guilt that ive always had for skipping and not doing well in school is back. I feel like im soooo irresponsible and bad for not staying up late and studying everyday even though i dont have to. 

When i started studying well i felt kinda proud, at least a little. I was almost proud of the twitches in my eyes and almost fainting everytime i stood up, because it proved, it reaaally proved, that i was working hard.

I dont have any hard tests this week. Next week i do but theyre are the kind you cant prepare for. I dont have to study that much.. but i havent had my eye twitching since like week 9. And i feel so guilty and unaccomplished for not burning myself outtttt.

How do i stop thissss, i cant draw, i cant read, i cant be relaxed. I cant calm down and i cant allow myself to do something i enjoy. Because it feels like having fun means im slacking off. Like im not good enough.

Anyway i swear ive got a curse or smt because everytime someone comes home IM SHITTING. LIKE DOES MY WHOLE FAMILY THINK I SHIT ALLLL THE TIME??? I DONT!!! I PROMISEEEE!! IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT EVERYTIME I GO TAKE A SHIT SOMEONE COMES HOME🫩

And like if someone comes home and says ”hello! Im hoooome” AND YOURE SHITTING. LIKE WHAT TO YOU DO??? ”Oh hi!! Welcome home!! Sorry if it stinks, im taking a shit! Like always!” NOOOOOOO 

LET ME SHIT IN PEACE🙏🙏

Staying quiet doesnt work either cuz like ”is no one home? Hello..?” Like you know for sure im home my autistic ass goes home as soon as i can, are you trying to force me to greet you while i poop?🫩 

Also like idk if this is just me but i fysically cant pee or poop while talkibg to someone or someone talkibg to me. Like ”hel-” OH GREAT NOW I HAVE TO RE START I SPENT A GOOD TWO MINUTES GETTING IT OUT THAT FAR. Lmaoo

When does tmi become tmi if its my blogg? J in get i should go up telling people this for no reason, thats tmi. But when youre reading my blogg? Its youre choice, maybe i write this for me not you🙂‍↕️

Well thats it for nowwww bye byeeee