a ~recovering~ alcoholics rant!

i know this is the equivalent of a shout in to the void, but i figured i'd post an update. i am 149 days sober as of midnight! (maybe i should've waited one more day to make this post, 150 sounds way better LOL) it's been... a lot! but i can safely say it has been a net positive and i am so so happy and so proud of how far i have come :D

the first few weeks were.. stone cold coping. for as long as i can remember i have always been looking for my next "something". and not having a "something" to turn to was, well, really fucking weird. alcohol got so wrapped up in my day to day that it was truly just muscle memory. going from having a drink in your hand 24/7 to... not... is a hard adjustment. so, i drank lots of doctor pepper in my first few weeks sober lmao! (circle k, i'd like to personally thank you for your contribution to my sobriety journey.) 

my emotions where whacky, everything made me want to drink, and i was fucking BOREEEDDD.... but on the other hand, i felt so much better physically, it was hard to feel anything other than relief. not being hungover ROCKS, getting real sleep ROCKS, and having a real appetite REALLY FUCKING ROCKS! i definitely turned to food/sweets as a cope for a while there. (but! i still lost so much weight just from not drinking! i can safely day i look better than i have in a long long time :D not even just my body, but my face, skin, and hair all appear much healthier!) i had so much more energy that i genuinely had no idea what to do with it! i talked a loooot - and my best friend was always there to listen :D 

i have a much better grip on my emotions and am a lot better at coping with the sadness/boredom/etc that pops up. that being said, a lot of the magic or "pink cloud" aspect of sobriety has also worn off. for a while i was very very happy and energetic and it was awesome!! i think i was lowkey a little manic at times but hey, it was fun. (note: these times also came with a lot of downs, and the "high" of emotion i felt applied to both negative and positive emotions) things have definitely balanced out now. my life is kind of just... normal. i am still bored a lot, but that is okay, my life is very peaceful. which i could never have imagined for myself. and i am making some very big steps towards a beautiful future! 

that brings me to my next point!! the blessings!! my sister (also sober) told me on her year sober date that i am going to be surprised by how many blessings randomly come along when you cut out the negativity of an addiction. it was hard to believe her at first- but she was fully right. i will say, i dont think sobriety is some magical prosperity tool, lol, but i think caring for yourself and putting in the necessary effort will obviously bring some positive stuff into your life! i am so prosperous right now in so many ways that its kind of hard to wrap my head around. compared to just a few months ago, i am genuinely living lavish. i have a really good job, great connections with my friends and family, a reliable car, expendable income (my rent has been paid in advance two months in a row!), and PLANS FOR THE FUTURE!

it is hard to believe that just a few months ago i couldnt be bothered to look past my next drink. i thought i was going to drink myself to death or kill myself. i know thats very dark. but thats how it was. now, im looking forward to the future! i aced all of the GED practice exams and plan to take the real test soon so i can go to school! also, i am moving two hours away to a bigger city to live with my best friend! we are in the process of getting approved for a beauuutiful townhouse and i could not be more excited. it is genuinely perfect for us <3 i know all of this is kind of "bare minimum" stuff, but for me, it is so hopeful. i can finally do what i need to do to make a life for myself, and i am so beyond proud. 

if you are reading this- KEEP MOVING FORWARD! times get tough but i promise you there is always a way out of a shitty situation. it is going to take some grit and determination, but with the right mindset: you. can. do. anything. i am living proof! this post is a jumbled mess, and im sure i could phrase a lot of things better, but this is the best i can do right now. it is 2:30 am and i need to go to bed lolo! i'll try and make another post soon :D