11..

Do you ever get the feeling where you think it's all over...everything you've fought against, everything you've fought for and protected, started crumbling? Do you ever get the feeling that you don't "belong"—not in a place, no, but in a room full of people you know...you know, but they don't know you? I came across a post; it had a question that I sat with for a minute too long: "Is there anyone in your life that you'd tell the whole truth…unfiltered, unspun, or uncensored...just the pure messy truth of it all?" And at first I thought of my "friends" who I've known for 2+ years, to which I told myself, no, they don't know me to be that person, the one who's open and flawed, so I moved on and thought, oh...there's my family, but then a pause...I remembered even if my mother were still to be here with me, living and breathing, I wouldn't tell her...I could never tell that kind-hearted, soft woman the truth, and for the rest of my family...well, let's just say it's a bit more than complicated...then I thought of a recent person i met…a sweet and kind person, or so they seem to be at the moment...yes, I overthink it, I know, but can you blame me? I'm merely being cautious, not placing too much or little trust, just a decent amount not to raise my expectations much only to be disappointed, but then I thought to myself that there may be the possibility that I tell him...open up to him...however, not the full truth, maybe not the full transparent truth, and that scared me...hmm, if I'm being honest, I pitied myself for it even...and that raised another question...

Which is worse: to pity or to hate yourself?

Then I realized I had no one to tell, no one to share it with… I sat that day with a heavier heart, wondering if I'd ever be able to tell someone… If I ever find someone to tell them the truth and watch them stay, watch them choose me in a room full of people, to have eyes only for me; the other day I was asked why I liked a specific fictional character so much, why I adored that character's love story so much, him and his wife. What about him made him so manly and so attractive to me? That question took me by surprise; I wasn't expecting it from him, but I stayed true to myself and said that being a man of his words… taking an extra mile for his love even though he was in a tough situation, he rose up to the occasion when he was needed… He became or tried to become a better version of himself for her—protected her even when she didn't need it, listened to her, was there for her, and vowed to be by her side no matter what, loyal to a fault. He became a gentle person despite his violent nature just for her; he would move or try to move mountains for her, anything just to see her smile… Her happiness was all that mattered to him; her well-being was all that mattered, her safety, her and only her. So tell me, who wouldn't want a man like that? and he asked me, but what did she do for him to want to change…? What did she do for him…? And that rubbed me the wrong way... based on the story she was his "light" in his "darkness." Many went on and speculated many theories, but my favorite is "I could go on my days like nothing happened; I could still live, breathe, eat, talk, and laugh with my friends and go to work like usual, but I always felt like something was missing, like a part of me aches for something I don't know of…That's when I met her, and it all made sense…Everything fell into place when I met her. It wasn't instant; it took time. She took time to settle in my life, but once I looked at her, I knew that I could not go on without her smile… Without her voice blessing my ears every time she speaks, how loving and gentle he is despite all the roughness she's been through—that settled it… It confirmed that I wanted to stay by her side no matter what…she doesn't need me; she never did, and neither do I, but i want her and only her. I'll spare you the continuation if I started rambling; I'd never stop about them, but my point is she didn't have to "do" anything in the sense of being grand or flashy… She might've been his comfort in a situation he never knew he needed it, or simply being there with him. I'm not saying you don't need to do anything for your loved ones; no, love as a feeling alone isn't truly love without the actions that follow it to prove and actually show to them that you hold anything for them.

oh to tell you the truth of it all…