Train Car Uncoupling Lever

What are we doing?

I think you may have asked this question before I even thought to. 

While I could tell you of the churning in my stomach and of its hurricane that was born from the unfortunate realization that I am not the one you think about at night- I wont. I wont because I'd like this dream to play out a little longer.

If I can help it-

If I can stall this train from moving toward its inevitable destination, I would.

You see, all those moons ago, I knew that what I was feeling was real. But you? I think when your heart was broken by that man, you threw the pieces out into what you thought was an empty field, not expecting me to lurch forward and gently catch the fragments. 

I cradle this part of you, knowing I'll never be enough. Knowing that you don't actually want me.

But now, as I still see that awful thing, still there in the corners of your eyes. Still there at the back of your mind. Still haunting you... I am unsure if this fallout will be worth it. 

I can pretend, and do a damn good job at it. Convince you that your lie is as convincing as my own, that you genuinely care for me and that you have me fooled.

But...

It hurts.

It hurts so fucking much.

It hurts when you spin up on me after telling me such beautiful lies.

It hurts when you still speak of him, and write of him, and THINK of him.

It hurts when I learn of the things he did to you. It hurts when I learn you let him.

It hurts when your excitement fades and turns into cold indifference.

I know you cant help it. I know you haven't moved on, despite telling me so.

This train is moving too fast toward its end... And I'm asking myself if I should pull the lever.

I curse how easy I was pulled into your hypnotic gravity. Why did I so readily believe you when you shared your affection with me? Perhaps... I was just happy to finally be seen by you. To even be considered an option.

If you're going to hurt me, at least make it lethal. I wont pull the lever. I'll see this through... 

But I don't want to survive this train wreck.