I don't doubt myself I'm just emotionally traumatized and this is a side effect

So recently I had to make a video about my work and show it to the school its supposed to be a portfolio type thing. Well I didn't add my most recent work because I simply didn't think it was its time to be shown out in public. 

Now I don't purposely hide my work from others due to fear or stress, If anything maybe I ask to for too many opinions like I did yesterday. I asked this person (they use they/them so bare with me as I try not put their name in this post) for what they thought about this video and the blew up on me. Not in a sense of anger but frustration that I hadn't included my recent works. Now I get it if this had been towards someone who normally doesn't show their work but I do for every critical good or bad. I'm not afraid to go first or last it doesn't matter to me. What matters the most is if I feel like its okay to show. Not in a inappropriate matter of if I should show a tit or not I don't perticually make NSFW nor do I have any hate for it. I show what I make when I feel that their is no other way I could possibly improve this work. Thats when I share it to the world and I don't stop. Yeah I've archived a few post because it didn't do well but who doesn't its normal.

And yeah like the title says I fucking traumatize and I don't expect everyone to get that but I do want them to know trauma doesn't always equal weakness.  Me setting a guideline for when I'm ready to do anything I'll do it. Its like doing drugs you shouldn't do trips on acid or shrooms unless your 100% sure just like you shouldn't have sex unless your 100% sure. Yeah some don't always follow those guides but I do. I'm done with the whole let my peers decide what's cool or what's not. I can decide that for myself just like I can decide when I'm ready to show a comic. 

The reason I didn't go of on this person like I am doing in this post is because well I'm still figuring out if I would date them or even think more on the idea of liking them. See with my 100% rule it goes with relationships too, I've meet to many different types that I assumed I was 100% for but then realized I just wanted attention but by then were on day three of our relationship and I've already ghosted and ran. 

Terrible I know but that's why I have the 100% rule it also can be called the gut rule because obviously I can physically meassure out if my choices are 100% my choice. What can I say I'm indecisive and I'll die on that hill. But because of this inability too choose a choice I have to make guide lines for decision making. 

As you can probably guess I either think a little too much about something or not think about it at all. their is no in-between but I won't deny that I LOATH when someone doesn't think im thinking things through. Because in true my brain never stops if anything I'm looking for safe ways to put myself in a coma maybe then my mind would have time to rest and process and things and if I'm lucky enough I can get fun dreams and wake up like a whole new person. But reality of it all I fucking can't. 

So don't tell me I'm not thinking or I should stop thinking neither of those are an option. But back to the video I was kind of proud of it and honestly the work in the video I showed were some of my favorite works I made so it pissed me off more because they only said they liked the intro and went off about how I didn't show any of the work they liked and know is not finished. It was like they didn't like the work that was ready to show. And it pissed me off more because most of it was recent just not that semester. I still showed my most recent animation and hell even a photo project I did over the summer and the height of my depression era but they don't care or didn't even care to ask why I showed those works. But I'm glad they liked the intro never mind the questions I asked. 

I honestly just wanted to hear them praise me again. But I guess I was wrong to look for praise in someone else specially when encounters like these leave me feeling disappointed. 

I mean I would have like it better if they said they hated it instead of telling me they think I have doubt in myself worth. Yeah I'm depressed and sometimes I wish I could exit the simulation but im not 100% sure if that's what I want or if that's what the depression wants. But I'd never doubt my decision I made those choices rather mistakes or the best decision in my life. I can choose to regret those choices but I can't regret what happens because of those choice and so instead I have to Stand by for what I said or did. If I said or did something wrong I just gotta own it and take my punishment. 

Does this mean I make decision, without think of others? No 

Does this mean I make decision, without caring what I need? Sometimes but for the most No

Does this mean I don't think them through? Have you been reading? No 

Does this mean I'll give up on them for this one mistake? No but I won't forget it

All this means is in a long way of saying everything, I hated that you focused your attention on the wrong thing and now its ruining my week. And How can I say I hated that you focused your attention on the wrong thing and now its ruining my week but I wouldn't mind still going out for coffee but now I'm worried you see me as self sabotaging and so now I'm leaning to the fact we should remain as friends because you hurt me once and you didn't even know it. How do I say all of this without seeming like I'm crazy. 

I don't doubt myself I'm just emotionally traumatized and this is a side effect.