A Feeling That Won’t Go Away

It’s curious how someone you meet can end up occupying so much space in your life. When I met him, from the very first moment I felt something strange, something strong. I didn’t even really know what it was, but there was something in the way he spoke, in how he seemed to understand me so quickly, that made me feel connected to him almost immediately.

At first I tried to convince myself it was just the excitement of meeting someone new. But with time I realized it wasn’t that. I liked him. I really liked him. And that feeling never went away—it only kept growing as the days passed, through the deep conversations and the shared laughter. But I never had the courage to say it.

For a long time I kept that feeling to myself, thinking maybe it was better that way, that maybe if I said it out loud I would ruin what we had. The ironic thing is that, some time later, I found out that he had also felt something for me. But he said it too late. When he finally gathered the courage to say it, when he finally confessed… it wasn’t the same for him anymore. His feelings had already faded.

Sometimes I feel jealous. I hate feeling that way because I have no right to it. We are nothing. We never were. But the feeling still appears, quiet at first, and then it turns into that discomfort I try to hide behind jokes or comments that shouldn’t exist.

The worst part is that it has already happened before. I’ve ended up making jealous scenes, saying things I later regret. And every time it happens, I feel like I’m ruining something that I actually do want to keep: his friendship and his presence.

I don’t want to lose his friendship. I really don’t.

But I also don’t know how to turn off something that has been burning since the very first moment he appeared in my life.

So for now I’m still here, writing what I can’t say out loud… and trying to convince my heart that being only his friend should be enough.